Baby Talk

I promised to blind you with baby blather. I have not delivered! (tee hee) Let me rectify my gross negligence.

Seriously now. I am full of ambivalence about this baby experience. I have already had two babies yet as I look at a pregnant woman I am disconnected with her experience. Sometimes I see a pregnant woman and think, "Dang! She looks so uncomfortable!" Other times seeing a pregnant woman stirs up desire to experience that new life growing in me again. But now I am pregnant and I realize that I have forgotten so much.

1. My whole body is changing, not just my belly. (I could go into great detail here but will spare you that.)
2. I live with the wonder of new life growing in me - a real person being created in me - and the real possibility that this life won't make it - that this life might (and will, at some point) die. I am now bound to this life. I watch with amazement and fear. Who will this unique new person be? Will there be ten little fingers and ten little toes? Will the brain work well? Will I recognize the finger prints of God?
3. Maternity clothes stink. They are big and small in all the wrong places. Maternity bodies change weekly, so even if you manage to find a pair of pants that fit well, by next Thursday they won't. I think that maternity style should consist of large, hawaiian print moo-moos. At this moment I am wearing an old pair of shorts I use when I'm painting. It was all I could find that wasn't in the laundry, wasn't pajamas, wasn't too hot, and fit. Aaaarrrrgggh!
4. When Gunnar was born Olivia was nearly two. We loved her so much and couldn't imagine loving another little person as much as we loved her. But then Gunnar showed up and we did love him. It wasn't one bit hard. Olivia used to stand at my knees crying whenever I nursed Gunnar. It was difficult for her to understand what this new person was doing in her place, with her mommy. This time Olivia and Gunnar are aware and excited. They are constantly coming up with the most endearing and surprising thoughts about the baby. It's wonderful to share this experience with them. And yet... I find that I am grieving the loss of the four of us. Sometimes this new life is like a foreign invader, wrecking our nice little family, home and life. This summer is for me a celebration of the four of us - enjoying what we can do together and what we mean to each other. Sometimes I feel so sad about this change. But I'm guessing that once jr. shows up it won't be long before we won't be able to imagine life without him/her.

Thanks for listening. Your comments and experiences are welcome.