I've been angry a lot lately. Really angry. Not that it really shows. No one's asking me, "why are you so angry?"
But the anger makes me tired. I think (but am not certain) that the anger is stemming from unresolved conflicts. Everywhere I look I see them. And I want to resolve them but I don't know what to do. From this chair tonight I do not see how.
The other day I was just walking around the house when I realized, "hey, I'm really mad. I'm mad at mom and friend." (friend shall remain anonymous.) I decided to journal. I was no further than a sentence in when I realized that I was fighting myself to be honest about my anger. So after giving myself permission to let it fly... it did. It really flew. with plenty of nice swear words for added lift.
For a long time the writing was about my mom, but after I'd gotten all of that off my chest I strangely found myself venting simultaneously about my sister and my friend (there's no real world connection here). I kept using they and found that I was feeling so betrayed by their actions and how they were attacking something precious to me.
And all of the sudden... it clicked! It was my actions that created this mess! They were all very happy indeed with the relationships we had. I was the one who needed something different and moved toward it. From their angle it was me that betrayed them, it was me that attacked something precious to them. Suddenly I was on the other side of the river! And for a day I felt o.k. For a day all trace of victim mentality was gone and I felt strong with the power of personal choice.
Since then I see myself cycling (not on a bike). Anger, sadness or something else rises -- I move into it -- something new emerges.
But generally speaking I am still really angry. In my head I say the F word a lot. Sometimes anger masks sadness. Sometimes sadness masks anger. The reality is that I have a whole lot to be angry about -- so right now it is through angry-land I go.