Change is hard

I've been feeling stuck lately. Depressed and stuck.

I'm still in this place of shock and anger and disbelief and doubt concerning my relationships with my family.
I can't believe things have turned out this way.
I am saddened and disgusted with what has been revealed as true.
I am angry about the years of 'no's that were never voiced, never respected, never listened to; and how nothing has changed...well, except me. I am finally learning to voice my 'no' - but it's not respected, instead it is actively disrespected.

And I doubt...
am I way off base?
why does it seem like no one else is abandoning their families?
am I crazy?
or just sinful and selfish and hurtful like they claim?
have I gone too far?
what if I'm wrong?

And I worry...
about my kids. I encouraged them to enter into loving relationship with these people and now I am cutting them off from them. Is this damaging them? (Funny thing is that you, God, do the same to me: bringing people into my life and then taking them out and I never know when and I don't often understand your timing. So I have to rest in the hope that providing a healthy mom is more important than saving them from this pain.)

and I worry about losing the respect of people that I admire. I guess that I am afraid that my immaturity shows and you see it and you think less of me for it. That's scary... cuz it might be true. I might be wrong. I know that I lack understanding. I'm guessing that if I was 'further down the path' I would be able to handle this differently, better.

I find that I compare myself to others... a lot!
if God called me here and this is right and good then why didn't he call her here, or him here?
What a dead end! What a ridiculous waste of time! I know that he is calling me to this place. Which is both relieving and terrifying. At times, I would give anything to make every one I know take this journey with me (yeah, I know, talk about bad boundaries). But I am getting closer and closer to being o.k. with the aloneness of this place. Sometimes I am very NOT o.k. with it, but other times it feels possible.

So today, as I journaled out all of my thoughts I was surprised to find that I wasn't grieving. No, I was making my case. And I was spending a lot of time writing about what I don't want. But I desire to spend more time thinking about and moving toward what I want, desire, hope for. Here's what I want:
To work together toward something new.
To have real relationship with each member of my family.
To respect each other's uniqueness, autonomy, power of choice, adulthood, separateness, journey.
To love, respect, and honor each person well.
I want to learn to trust well, from the heart.

Then I wrote this:
"Lord, as I think about what I want I realize that I am still feeling 'bound' to my family. I am also feeling the need to release them so that I can 'get on with' my journey, my desire, what I want, what you are calling me to... I do believe you've called me here. I don't understand it all. I'm sure that I'm failing here and there. I might be wrong. But these are my convictions. Right now, I need to let go of my family so that I can embrace what you are giving me."

Yeah, that's about it.

Whew! I feel unstuck.