What did I expect?

I've been noticing in myself this desire to reconnect with my family of origin, one sister in particular. But each time I would internally move toward the idea I found that there was no bridge over the water. Yet, still I found that I was left with this vague, nagging sense of responsibility to fix this thing I'd broken.

I sat down with Pete on Sunday and had a 'come present to what is' conversation. Here's what is: I miss my family, sometimes a lot. I feel so sad about the choices they've made. I have been listening to the nagging voice. I have been accepting the role of "the-only-one-who-can-fix-the-problem". I have been afraid to make a move, and have been passively sitting here.

Monday evening my mom left a message on our answering machine that I did not receive until this morning. It went something like, "How are you? I haven't talked with you in a while and I'm wondering how you are doing on your crafts for the Calico Barn. I'm also wondering how Livy and Gunnar are doing at school. Would love to hear from you. Mom." Normal. Completely normal. But my internal response was hurt, offense and frustration. I went and took a shower and found myself praying 'Our Father', but not getting past the first line. It quickly turned into "my father, my father, my father". I was back to my 'permanent trade' blog.

I took some time to read, pray and journal. Then it was time to take action. To be clear about my intensions. I sent mom and email.

Mom,
First I'd like to say that, like you, I'm desiring to reconnect. I miss you and think of you often.
However, this is where things are with me. You have chosen to listen to others when they talk about me. I don't feel safe sharing myself with you, nor do I feel o.k. about acting like things are normal between us. Because you have chosen to behave in a way that I find personally hurtful and relationally destructive, I have decided to protect myself by remaining separate. There's been no change in the way the family relates, or in the way that you relate to me, therefore I have decided to remain outside of family relations.
Love,
Gloria

Then I checked out blogworld and came across Erin's blog. Found these Sara Groves words:

"The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise
And the things I know
...
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned"

My Lord has such sweet timing.

But here's the funny thing (funny strange, not funny ha ha). I talked with Pete at lunch today about my family's system and that right now change is not really even an option because they get their emotional and relational needs met through the existing system. Despite all of that I was still taken aback by my mom's response to my email. It follows:
Thanks for you reply - Then I am to expect that you will not be joining us for the holidays? What are you thinking about taking part in the name exchange? Also, I am expecting that you will not take some time to pick out the material for the baby blanket - if you are not going to complete the cross stitch, please send the squares back - someone else will finish them.Love Mom
Oh, by the way, we will be gone the 24th - you have clothes from Cedar Rapids and Denver and the recliner is still there for you if you want it. The clothes are downstairs in a large suitcase (keep the suitcase - it's from Gina) and 3 large shopping bags. So you can come that week end when we are not there so you don't have to see us.
Love,Mom

So what was I expecting? That she would break? That she would give up on the old system? That she would change her mind? That all of my crazy actions would suddenly make sense to her?

I still find myself surprised that my family can't function or bear the thought that I would ask them not to talk about me behind my back. What?! I know all of the logical reasoning. But my heart won't hear any of that. My heart is like a child and it just wants my family to love me.

So let's have a toast to the tension of pressing into my new identity where God is my father while still holding the love and the pain of my earthly family.