Begin again

Jan 2, 2006. Breath in the day.

On new year's eve we took some time at the dinner table to reminisce about the year 2005. We had begun by asking our kids what they liked best about 2005 and what they hoped for 2006. That turned out to be a recap of presents received this Christmas and presents hoped for in the coming year -- of course! We began to go over the events and experiences of the past year. It was amazingly catharthic to do so. 2005 was a real wing-dinger. It was lovely to think about the little summer trips we took. We remembered where we celebrated birthdays and where we would like to celebrate them this year. It was good to name the changes that have taken place, such as Pete's job change, Gunnar starting school and, of course, the addition of sweet baby Tally.

And yet, I feel pressure to downplay the magnitude of events that took place and to minimize the effects these events had on us. It is cool to be cool. Right?

Judy Hougen's recent Christmas Meditation blog spoke to me. www.emergentself.blogspot.com
She wrote, "Just the tyranny of an unattainable ideal. A world far more tidy than the one I inhabit." Oh, yes! I realized that I have been hiding, masking, white-washing my reality.

Then Matt www.mattiasandtwine.blogspot.com posted a link to a site that included this:
"We are fantastically worried about our status as cultural outsiders. We want to be in. We want to be relevant. But we know we are out. We fear we are irrelevant." And I commented, "We? Funny, I got to thinking it was just me. Feels good to be reminded - like I can be friends with my friends again."

Ah, to be vulnerable. To be honest and real. To face one's reality and not run, nor cover, nor tidy up.

There were amazing good and deep things of God in and amongst all of the good and hard of this past year. I do NOT desire to minimize his Life in my life. Nor do I want to fail to notice Him in ALL of life. But my point here is that I do not desire to use flimsy god platitudes as bandages for the pain in my life or as attempts to appear less messy to those around me. This year was damn hard. The harder and messier it got, the more I pasted on the fake smile. Or if I leaked truth, then I imagined disapproval.

I like to believe that I'm beyond all of this preformance driven pointlessness. These fires have proved that it is not so. Yet I have noticed that there are tiny spots of ease. Many times this year I have reminded myself to "be present to what IS". That in turn has given me the freedom to go gently with myself and others, and to do what I might need to do, like take a nap.

I want to begin again. I want to release myself to be myself. I want to create space for those around me to do the same. O.K. self, be released. Ding. You are free to move about the country.