reticence

This blog has been a long time coming. And it will be long in the telling as well. To begin I need to go back my journal entry of August 27, 2005. Here are some exerpts:

O.K. Here's the deal. Finding Open Door was like finding safe haven. [I began coming to Church of the Open Door in the fall of 1990.] I had found a place that allowed me to enter many places that were previously off limits, not allowed. Freedom. I began to grow. Stinky, rotten spots began to get necessary attention and healing. As I grew I walked further down new paths of grace, healing , spirit life, kingdom life.
In the Fall of 2003 I went to a spiritual direction information meeting. I was drawn to it by the vague, mysterious words printed in the bulletin. That evening and that year of being in a spiritual direction group felt like coming home, or unexpectedly finding a hidden treasure. What a strange and beautiful thing hidden in this tiny corner of Open Door. It seemed to me like a new way of community, the way I'd been wanting.
In the Fall of 2004 I led a spiritual direction group and entered the class. My world, my God, my sight seemed to explode with newness, bigness, new understanding. It was all more than I could soak up, better than I'd ever dreamed. Hard, good, challenging, freeing. Look back. What a long we've come! The spiritual direction community has become dear to me, my family.
And now... what?
uncertainty - does Open Door still value spiritual direction? or was that something Jan held?
sadness - this is simply where my heart is, where my passion and hope lie.
I can't help feeling overwhelming love and gratitude to God and to Open Door for all this church has been to me for the past 15 years. I so hope and pray that God continues to move in and through them. May His Kindgom come. May we become the cooperative body of Christ. But as for me...?
I'm not sure. If spiritual direction, meditation, holy listening, new monastic remains as something important to Open Door... would I stay? I feel as if we've lost our shepherd. Jan spoke a different language than most, or all of us. Without her we would need other "foreign" tongues. We come from an unbalanced tradition that is heavy on head knowledge and the preached word. I feel desirous for entering into and experiencing new/different ways of knowing God. Who at Open Door can lead me in to that? And even if Open Door does continue a spiritual direction community I wonder about experiencing the new way/new thing with Jan. I love her shepherd/pastor heart. I want community in this new way. I want to enter in to transformation - 'cause this new thing will call it out.
But I will so miss this church that I love.
Grief.
[Then I read from Open Door's Kingdom Next publication]
"From 1993-2003 was a season of pioneering uncharted land for a permanent home."
When I first read that I said to myself, "No they weren't! We were church of the Open Sore. We were all crying in the bleachers." But it seemed you said, "Take another look."
"From 1993-2003 was a season of pioneering uncharted land for a permanent home."
I've been speaking of paths and land and finding home - I just always assumed it was at Open Door.
"We are now in a new season which began in 2003 as occupiers of our new home."
What!?! that's when I 'came home' to spiritual direction!
"Each season requires a leadership structure to meet the needs of the organization. While the former leadership structures suited us well, we've simply outgrown them. Corporately, our needs changed when we moved from renters to owners to occupiers."
Holy God, I know these words were written with different intentions but I see you in them, my own story in them, this new church in them.
"Now that we are occupiers, it's time to rebuild the church inside the building. We are in a time of transition and adjustment for where we are going in the long term."
"All of this speaks to where we believe God is calling us to go and who we believe God is calling us to be. We might not be there yet, but it's where we want to go, and it's where we think we are headed."

I knew right then that I had a 'yes' to Jan and Bob's new venture. I held these words and thoughts in my heart until Pete had his own time of discernment. Pete also came up with a 'yes' -- so since then we've been holding our hope, joy, grief, and tension.

But now, it's time to move. Our last time at Open Door as a family will be Good Friday. (I will still have some spiritual direction meetings to attend.) We still have two more Sundays at Open Door. You will find me blubbering in the back, right section of the sanctuary, 9 am service. Stop by for a hug and a farewell. Bring tissues. Saying goodbye to this dear place is heart wrenching. Seeing many that I know, that I have served with, many that I love... it's bitter sweet.

It's lovely having this place of connection, this blog-land. Most of you here in blog land are not people I knew through Open Door - even if you attended there. I'm glad for that just now.
Thanks for reading.

gloria