two blogs I like

Here are two blogs that I really like.

pearl -- www.pearlsoul.blogspot.com

joel -- www.whiskeyreview.blogspot.com

Held

As I go through this journey, stepping out into this new land, I find your comments of great encouragement. Thank you to each of you for your words.

Since writing my last post I have felt positively held by God. There is pain and grief but it is not consuming me. We sit together. Love, pain, grief, hope, me, the Father, sitting together.

I love the Caedmon's Call cd. They've traveled to India, Equador and the pain and beauty these places hold. What they sing of has gotten mixed up with Katrina, my family, my Family, my God journey - all of it. This song has been part of the recent day's "holding".

Caedmon's Call - Share the Well

Wings of the Morning
words and music by Andrew Osenga and Joshua Moore

I woke to the sirens of the city
They were calling me to hold my head up high
But the truth was in the dust that hangs like curtains
From the beggars to the sky

The ads and billboards rained in every language
The message every politician knows
When we're fed that we are nothing we'll believe it
And then do what we are told

The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down

On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail

Ask any good detective, he will tell you
It's the eyes that always give the truth away
And in yours I see the fear that's bound and gagged you
With no hope for escape

It's true that we are fallen as an angel
But you and me, we're also holy as a prayer
Made in the image of a giver and a lover
Who left His throne to come down here

The spark of the divine I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down

On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail

We will rise, rise, on the wings of the morning
Though we hide, hide, in the shadows of night
There is hope, hope, in the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...

Hope is rising... on the wings of the morning
Hope is rising... in the shadows of the night
Hope is rising... from the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...

I love this song. It makes me feel like a hero. Both of my parents grew up being fed the lie that they were nothing, and then doing what they were told. No freedom, tied down with lies. I think that is part of the reason my choices have been such a slap in the face - just who do I think I am?!? I'm hoping the ties are being loosened.

My mom described my current place as a "stronghold". Strong. Hold. Mmmmmm... Oh, I hope so. "Hope is rising... from the hands that have made us and are holding us tight."


In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail

What did I expect?

I've been noticing in myself this desire to reconnect with my family of origin, one sister in particular. But each time I would internally move toward the idea I found that there was no bridge over the water. Yet, still I found that I was left with this vague, nagging sense of responsibility to fix this thing I'd broken.

I sat down with Pete on Sunday and had a 'come present to what is' conversation. Here's what is: I miss my family, sometimes a lot. I feel so sad about the choices they've made. I have been listening to the nagging voice. I have been accepting the role of "the-only-one-who-can-fix-the-problem". I have been afraid to make a move, and have been passively sitting here.

Monday evening my mom left a message on our answering machine that I did not receive until this morning. It went something like, "How are you? I haven't talked with you in a while and I'm wondering how you are doing on your crafts for the Calico Barn. I'm also wondering how Livy and Gunnar are doing at school. Would love to hear from you. Mom." Normal. Completely normal. But my internal response was hurt, offense and frustration. I went and took a shower and found myself praying 'Our Father', but not getting past the first line. It quickly turned into "my father, my father, my father". I was back to my 'permanent trade' blog.

I took some time to read, pray and journal. Then it was time to take action. To be clear about my intensions. I sent mom and email.

Mom,
First I'd like to say that, like you, I'm desiring to reconnect. I miss you and think of you often.
However, this is where things are with me. You have chosen to listen to others when they talk about me. I don't feel safe sharing myself with you, nor do I feel o.k. about acting like things are normal between us. Because you have chosen to behave in a way that I find personally hurtful and relationally destructive, I have decided to protect myself by remaining separate. There's been no change in the way the family relates, or in the way that you relate to me, therefore I have decided to remain outside of family relations.
Love,
Gloria

Then I checked out blogworld and came across Erin's blog. Found these Sara Groves words:

"The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise
And the things I know
...
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned"

My Lord has such sweet timing.

But here's the funny thing (funny strange, not funny ha ha). I talked with Pete at lunch today about my family's system and that right now change is not really even an option because they get their emotional and relational needs met through the existing system. Despite all of that I was still taken aback by my mom's response to my email. It follows:
Thanks for you reply - Then I am to expect that you will not be joining us for the holidays? What are you thinking about taking part in the name exchange? Also, I am expecting that you will not take some time to pick out the material for the baby blanket - if you are not going to complete the cross stitch, please send the squares back - someone else will finish them.Love Mom
Oh, by the way, we will be gone the 24th - you have clothes from Cedar Rapids and Denver and the recliner is still there for you if you want it. The clothes are downstairs in a large suitcase (keep the suitcase - it's from Gina) and 3 large shopping bags. So you can come that week end when we are not there so you don't have to see us.
Love,Mom

So what was I expecting? That she would break? That she would give up on the old system? That she would change her mind? That all of my crazy actions would suddenly make sense to her?

I still find myself surprised that my family can't function or bear the thought that I would ask them not to talk about me behind my back. What?! I know all of the logical reasoning. But my heart won't hear any of that. My heart is like a child and it just wants my family to love me.

So let's have a toast to the tension of pressing into my new identity where God is my father while still holding the love and the pain of my earthly family.

make mine monastic

But in St. Benedict himself we have a layman writing a guide for his household, his extended family of brothers with their busy shared life and all its inevitable demands: preparing food and washing up, looking after guests, maintaining buildings and property, educating children, caring for the sick, and also earning a living. His concern was to help them impose on this busy life such a structure and order (both external and interior) that they could make prayer the one essential priority, the central focus of everything else. There was here no separation of prayer and life. Everything flowed from one center...

from the Preface to Seeking God: the way of St. Benedict, both preface and book by Esther de Waal

How delightfully domestic! How mundane! How normal these inevitable demands of life! But to find no separation of prayer and life - that's the unusual thing.

This is just what the great physician ordered. I am so looking forward to reading this book.

Yearning

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Meanwhile, themoment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He know us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Romans 8: 22-28 The Message

The new and the not-yet remain for me as a dream, hoped for but unrealized. I wait.

Oh Delight!

As we prayerfully consider what God is leading us to concerning this new community that Jan is proposing please check out Paul Freedland and his community at www.spaceforgod.com

It is delightful to find other travelers along the road.

Peace to you my brothers and sisters!

Tame this

You give life to everything,
You give life to everything,
You give life to everything.
Blessed be your name!


"I'm never going to ride you am I? And no one ever should."
Indian boy to the horse Spirit in the movie Spirit.

grief for a friend

I received a packet in the mail today. It was from a college friend who now lives in Arizona.

The packet came to announce the life, birth and death of her baby boy. She was approximately four months along in her pregnancy when labor began. They were unable to stop it, so the baby was born. He lived for an hour.

I am filled with sadness for her.

holding babies

This morning at around 4:30 AM my two sweet kids were sneaking around whispering. Pete got up to send them back to bed. This type of activity is not usual but they were both excited about the play that they are working up with the neighborhood kids - they wanted to get working!

At 7:30 Gunnar came hopping into bed with me. "Mom, can I sleep with you?" Now usually that means, "Mom, can I wiggle around in your bed until you are completely awake?" But today he fell promptly back to sleep. Lucky boy. I didn't.

In his sleep he did a few jerks and grunts. Baby girl was doing her own morning movement. She started with hiccups, then moved on to other 'cat in a bag' strange movements. Wish I could figure out which parts are which.

It delights me to see my children sleeping. For brief moments they are my babies again.

And suddenly I realized that even though I am tired of being pregnant that this is the only time that I get to fully 'hold' this child. Very soon she will be set spinning, ever more out and away from me.

To everything there is a season. Delight in the moment.

Vintage

I was born in the summer of '69. I am a child of the 70s. Being such, I still enjoy music from the 70s. Yesterday I listened to some very vintage Phil Keaggy.

Yesterday also found me working with a quilt with top dating to circa 1880. I found the quilt top on ebay. I sent it with batting (filling) and backing to a machine quilter in Iowa. Yesterday I was working on the binding (finished edge). I adore old quilts, especially those that date 1910 and earlier. Sadly, quilts this old are either expensive or in poor shape. This quilt top had never been used or washed--nice, crisp fabric. Some of the dyes they used during this period were toxic to the fabric and over time cause the fabric to become quite fragile. There are many fragile fabrics on this quilt, one that ripped during quilting. Still, finishing the quilt stabilized it. It was fun examining the 75+ fabrics in my hope of accurately dating the quilt.

It was strange and wonderful to mix my personal history with this quilt's history.

Poustinia

"So many of us feel that the rest of men are looking for him where he cannot be easily found - in the comfortable life which is in itself not sinful, but which can become a sort of asphyxiation and isolation from the rest of mankind. Comfort can become an idol too."

Poustinia


I think that makes me part of "the rest of men". And yes, I know of asphyxiation and isolation. There is much in me that has yet to be set free... or at least has yet to realize it's already free state.

in silence revealed

'Have you understood all these?'
They said, 'Yes.'
And he said, 'Well then,
every scribe who becomes a disciple
of the kingdom of Heaven
is like
a householder
who brings out from his storeroom
new things
as well as old.'

Matt. 13: 51 & 52 New Jerusalem Bible.

a few things

1. I've had to change my settings to allow registered users only - can't believe I'm getting blog junkmail.

2. I'm off to my silent retreat this afternoon. I have really been looking forward to this. I'm sure the weekend will go too fast.

3. Thank you to all of you for the comments you've been leaving. Your words and support mean much to me.

Peace to you. God's peace to you.

gloria

A Permanent Trade

I broke my Sabbath rest from my family by calling my folks on Saturday.
It did not go well.
They've read the Boundaries book and think that it is an unbiblical, disrespectful, and misleading document.
They kept asking questions about who is "leading" this, and what does Peter think about this, is my friend H. involved? Mom said that as she has described it to a pastor friend he thought there was a 'stronghold' here. Mom and dad said they have never heard of anything like this ever being done (this being: a person refraining from engaging with their relations for a specified time frame). I got the impression that they think I've joined a cult.
They not only disagree with the choices I have made but claim that I have acted out these choices in the coldest, most unkind possible way.

I felt attacked.

When I (finally) got off the phone I felt the desire, even need, to be present to what is.
I processed with Pete for a while, feeling somewhat confused, numb and heavy. Then Pete said, "You are creating a circumstance where change is possible." We've talked about this concept a lot. It is very connected to both Family Systems Therapy and Liminality, where when we mess with the status quo, disrupt homeostasis, enter into times of uncertainty that it is there that we have the greatest potential to transform. But when Pete said those words to me I didn't engage with them philosophically or intellectually. I broke inside and began to sob. Suddenly I felt hope emerge from the shadows and the heavy weight of this sadness seemed worth it.

The following are excerpts from my journal entry on Aug 15th.

coming present to you means coming present to me.
I guess that's hard because it hurts in here.
I want to blog but I avoid it. So hard to put into words all that's going on in here.

I'm feeling hurt, pain, rejection, disappointment, grief.
Back to this place where anxiety is of no use - the truth is as horrible as imaginable (or nearly so). It is, not will be. I feel adrift, keep trying to find my moorings, keep trying to get concrete.

small niggling worries - that they might gang up and attack me. Right now, I just want them to leave me alone. Stay away from me!

There was always the cushion to fall back upon, "Maybe I wasn't clear. Maybe they didn't understand what I wanted." This time I was clear.

I wish that I didn't care.
I wish that it meant little to me.

On one hand I want to put to death this enmeshment, this ill dependency, to grow up and be an adult. On the other hand I don't want no relationship. I want good relationship.

They want neither of the above. They want the old ways that no longer fit or work for me. Without their cooperation a move toward good relationship is not possible.

However, I do not need their cooperation to grow up, to claim for myself new life, new ays, to move into health. I have God's help and his people's help. I have a new parent and new siblings and...

...I never wanted to replace you.
...and I am sad to say that if this was not so obvious I would be tempted to settle, to take you back as those who might give me value and love and fill my soul.
Sick.
At least part of this pain is the pain of addiction withdrawal -- I want to give up getting my value from you without actually doing so. It's like I'm going to keep shopping at the Gap but try to stop getting my value from my image -- 'yeah, good luck with that Gloria'.

They are actually helping me, by making this separation a clearly needful thing, by rejecting me, by not loving me or the things I am moving toward. This is all gift. Severe mercy. even grace - that I should get life at the cost of their death.

so I release them hoping someday we might 'meet up' on this path, or to follow their own path toward life.
I allow you to get this 'wrong'.
I release you to experiment, take risks, make mistakes, fail me, fail God, fail yourselves, fail each other.

Yes, I release my family to fail me, (oh God, I don't know if I can say it) hate me, mistreat me, misunderstand me, misuse all I have entrusted to them, revile all I hold dear, reject me and the principles I adhere to, make false claims against me, slander me, attempt to control me, use me, abuse me.

I'm really going to need a new Abba. I cling to you my Abba-God.
As it should be.
I don't just 'cling' - as if the danger might pass. Instead I move my allegiance over to you, accept my value and life from you now. A permanent trade.

bits of news

news from the yard:
We have a chubby goldfish that we put in the 50 gallon rain barrel for the summer. I was surprised to see it down two whole food pellets that I put in there. I'd always assumed that they needed to get all mushy before fishy could eat them. Fishy usually dives for the bottom whenever I come around but it was cloudy today and I don't think he noticed me. It was fun to watch him for a while.
The astilbe are absolutely scorched.
I'm sick of watering - was so glad to hear the rain last night/this morning/whenever it was.
This is the first year out of 4 that I haven't scorched the hibiscus bush upon setting it out for the summer. I gave it a hard pruning and it is full and loaded with buds - happy day.
The zinnias I planted along the garage 'over' the tulips are so lovely. They came up and bloomed in no time flat. I'm very pleased with them.
The yard is also rather scorched. The greenest parts are crabgrass.

News from the pregnant lady:
I'm horribly sick of being pregnant and still have 3 1/2 months to go. I am most definitely 'enlarged in the waiting'. I'm pretty sure that baby girl is practicing up for marching band because every day she seems to go on parade. There are other discomforts that I do not feel at liberty to share with blog land but I will say that being pregnant at 36 is rather more difficult (physically) than being pregnant at 29 was. Emotionally it seems easier - I'm better at being o.k. with whatever is going on that day and not feeling guilty or mad if it requires a slower pace. Acquaintances from church are noticing my condition, and are very excited for me. Their completely lovely and normal reaction falls on weary ground. I feel reminded of my condition about 600 times a day and usually these reminders are difficult and not exciting. At this point I want to forget that I'm pregnant and talk about something else.
In less crabby moments I find I'm wondering about this 'hidden life' and the wonderful symbol she is for the life of Christ in us: growing, enlarging us and enlarging in us, formed in darkness, separate but so dependent. Did you know that a woman's heart enlarges during pregnancy? (It has to to take care of the much increased amount of blood flowing through her veins.) What a beautiful image of what God does in us when he is growing new life within - he enlarges our hearts.

Change is hard

I've been feeling stuck lately. Depressed and stuck.

I'm still in this place of shock and anger and disbelief and doubt concerning my relationships with my family.
I can't believe things have turned out this way.
I am saddened and disgusted with what has been revealed as true.
I am angry about the years of 'no's that were never voiced, never respected, never listened to; and how nothing has changed...well, except me. I am finally learning to voice my 'no' - but it's not respected, instead it is actively disrespected.

And I doubt...
am I way off base?
why does it seem like no one else is abandoning their families?
am I crazy?
or just sinful and selfish and hurtful like they claim?
have I gone too far?
what if I'm wrong?

And I worry...
about my kids. I encouraged them to enter into loving relationship with these people and now I am cutting them off from them. Is this damaging them? (Funny thing is that you, God, do the same to me: bringing people into my life and then taking them out and I never know when and I don't often understand your timing. So I have to rest in the hope that providing a healthy mom is more important than saving them from this pain.)

and I worry about losing the respect of people that I admire. I guess that I am afraid that my immaturity shows and you see it and you think less of me for it. That's scary... cuz it might be true. I might be wrong. I know that I lack understanding. I'm guessing that if I was 'further down the path' I would be able to handle this differently, better.

I find that I compare myself to others... a lot!
if God called me here and this is right and good then why didn't he call her here, or him here?
What a dead end! What a ridiculous waste of time! I know that he is calling me to this place. Which is both relieving and terrifying. At times, I would give anything to make every one I know take this journey with me (yeah, I know, talk about bad boundaries). But I am getting closer and closer to being o.k. with the aloneness of this place. Sometimes I am very NOT o.k. with it, but other times it feels possible.

So today, as I journaled out all of my thoughts I was surprised to find that I wasn't grieving. No, I was making my case. And I was spending a lot of time writing about what I don't want. But I desire to spend more time thinking about and moving toward what I want, desire, hope for. Here's what I want:
To work together toward something new.
To have real relationship with each member of my family.
To respect each other's uniqueness, autonomy, power of choice, adulthood, separateness, journey.
To love, respect, and honor each person well.
I want to learn to trust well, from the heart.

Then I wrote this:
"Lord, as I think about what I want I realize that I am still feeling 'bound' to my family. I am also feeling the need to release them so that I can 'get on with' my journey, my desire, what I want, what you are calling me to... I do believe you've called me here. I don't understand it all. I'm sure that I'm failing here and there. I might be wrong. But these are my convictions. Right now, I need to let go of my family so that I can embrace what you are giving me."

Yeah, that's about it.

Whew! I feel unstuck.

Prayer for the Body

Grace And Peace

Written by Jill Phillips and Andy Gullahorn

All the weary, tired souls full of hunger
Needing something that fills
All the thirsty that heard about living water
Need a way to the well
It’s a strange crowd
But still somehow
The lost have been found
By the One in whose Name we come
Grace and peace to you through our Lord Jesus
Times like these we need that kind of love
To take these things coming in between us
And wash us clean with the body and the blood
Early that night just before he was taken
He broke of the bread
So we could taste that He has died, He is risen
He is coming again
And it’s much more
Than we could ask for
To be made pure
By the One in whose Name we come


"It's a strange crowd" - I love that line. I wish that I could sing this song to you, my beloved family.

Great Power

As I was driving toward home this afternoon I passed a church that has out front one of those message boards. I'm not fond of these message boards but this one had something really profound to proclaim.

The task in front is never as great as the power behind.

Wow! Now I got to thinking... I really need to get me one of these power behinds. I mean, I only have one of these old model, manual behinds. Don't get me wrong, my manual behind is great! -- if by "great" you mean "large". My butt shelf is developing nicely... soon you will be able to set your drink on it, if you happen to be stuck in line behind me, and my behind.

So I might have to visit this church. Sounds like they really have something going here. I'm so glad they advertised it on their sign.

"...when she was done, she said to me, 'You know, my eyes ain't too good at all. I can't see nothing but the general shape of things, so I got to rely on my heart. Why don't you go on and tell me everything about yourself, so as I can see you with my heart.'"
--From Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo

With sweet thoughts to all of you...
but especially to Jan and Heather B. because I know that you read this book and loved it,
to Christy for her blogging-blindness and her heart-sight,
to Jesse for loving story and reminding me that it's been too long since I've dipped my heart in the stream.

Sweet Sabbath

The following quote is from http://www.odyssey.blogs.com
A Summer Sabbath
Chris Erdman writes: It's time for a summer pause, a Sabbath's rest. My friend Ed tells of his friend, Martin (a Rabbi) who tells us that he practices Sabbath not because it is healthful and not because it is a duty, but because, "When I am old, I want to have come to believe that the world is not my responsibility. I have a role to play, but it is God's action that counts. Sabbath is my way of checking the compulsive and presumptive notion that my work is most important. Sabbath keeps me clear about God and about my role in the world. When I die I want to have gotten that right."

(bold and underline added by me)

That is just the sweetness I feel concerning my family. I have no words for prayer, nor do I believe prayer is what God is calling me to. In my listening I am attempting to follow what God is leading me to... that, for now, is Sabbath.

Confession

Watch out. This blog is what you might call "heavy".
Personal inventories, personality tests. After taking one such test Pete took great delight in finding out that my thought pattern was described as "random and web-like". Hmmm, that explains a lot! Can’t help thinking about that as I try to piece together these small bits of glass and tile. Will you be able to see the mosaic?
How strange and unexpected that in this time of learning boundaries and learning to live honestly from the heart that God would lead me into this time of confession, Sabbath, fasting.
What is the connection?
How can I express to you what is developing?
As I have tried to explain to my sisters some of my "strange-to-them" choices I used the analogy of nation. Our family is a nation with it’s own laws and police enforcement and judges, etc. I explained that I was no longer going to obey the "laws of the land". Instead, I’ve decided to follow a different set of laws. It’s been interesting, disturbing, humbling to watch God continue to develop that theme.
I began this journey stuck in the mud of self pity. "Oh! They are so mean to me!" God seems to be saying, "Go ahead! Take a nice long look at yourself! You have been having an adulterous relationship with your family. You have been prostituting yourself to them in vain hope of getting life. How has that worked out for you? And how ridiculous! You have ME, your true husband, your true father, your true source of life. Did you think I would take that sitting down? Did you think I would say, ‘Oh well.’ Is that the kind of God-lover you think I am? I love you enough to destroy your false gods. I am going to smash your old nations, I will remove you from the cities you love. And to be honest, I am really mad at you! I feel betrayed! Turn back to me, my love. Tell me the truth about what you’ve been up to. I know of your fickle heart and that you still long for your old ways, your old lovers. Trust me to teach you how to love me well. I will do it. Because you are mine… and I love you."
"Oh my God! Forgive me. I have followed in the footsteps of my ancestors. I have chosen to try and get life from my relationships with them. I have forsaken your ways, your example and followed both their poor example and my own selfish ways. I know that you are destroying these old ways. I see the sun setting on our family’s old ways - Good bye old ways. The sun is setting on the old ways I did relationship - Good bye old ways. Sometimes this feels like a desert place and I look around at all of the destruction and rubble. But I see now that this place is where the streams of abundance are! Back there, in the "good ole days" that was desert land. I see that now. The way that you’ve exposed my sin feels like a gift. I am ashamed but I am not full of shame. Instead I’m full of gratitude and humility and joy. I receive this exile with gentleness and patience. I receive this Sabbath, this rest with joy and understanding. I wait for you to bring to life in me your life. I confess that my anger has been my way of clinging to these old relationships and ways. Help me to turn from them to you. "

Leviticus 26:27-43 partial, Message
"And if this – even this! -- doesn’t work and you still won’t listen, still defy me, I’ll have had enough and in hot anger will defy you, punishing you for your sins seven times over: … I’ll turn your cities into rubble; I’ll clean out your sanctuaries; I’ll hold my nose at the "pleasing aroma" of your sacrifices… There’ll be nothing left in your land, nothing going on in your cities. With you gone and dispersed in the countries of your enemies, the land, empty of you, will finally get a break and enjoy its Sabbath years. All the time it’s left there empty, the land will get rest, the Sabbaths it never got when you lived there.
"As for those among you still alive, I’ll give them over to fearful timidity – even the rustle of a leaf will throw them into to a panic. They’ll run here and there, back and forth, as if running for their lives even though no one is after them, tripping and falling over one another in total confusion. You won’t stand a chance against an enemy. You’ll perish among the nations; the land of your enemies will eat you up. Any who are left will slowly rot away in the enemy lands. Rot. And all because of their sins, their sins compounded by their ancestors’ sins.
"On the other hand, if they confess their sins and the sins of their ancestors, their treacherous betrayal, the defiance that set off my defiance that sent them off into enemy lands; if by some chance they soften their hard hearts and make amends for their sin…I’ll remember my covenant… And I’ll remember the land.
"The land will be empty of them and enjoy its Sabbaths while they’re gone."

Nehemiah 9:1-2 Message
The People of Israel gathered for a fast, wearing burlap and faces smudged with dirt as signs of repentance. The Israelites broke off all relations with foreigners, stood up and confessed their sins and the iniquities of their parents.

Jeremiah 3:12-14 Message
"’Turn back, fickle Israel.
I’m not just hanging back to punish you.
I’m committed in love to you.
My anger doesn’t seethe nonstop.
Just admit your guilt.
Admit your God-defiance.
Admit to your promiscuous life with casual partners,
pulling strangers into the sex-and-religion groves
While turning a deaf ear to me.’"
GOD’s Decree.
"Come back, wandering children!"
GOD’s Decree.
"I, yes I, and your true husband."

Romans 10:5-10 partial, Message
But trusting God to shape the right living in us is a different story.
The word that saves is right here
as near as the tongue in your mouth,
as close as the heart in your chest.
It’s the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God – "Jesus is my Master" – embracing, body and soul, God’s work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That’s it. You’re not "doing" anything; you’re simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That’s salvation. With your whole being you embrace God settings thins right, and they you say it, right out loud: "God has set everything right between him and me!"

In Better Homes and Gardens I recently read this definition for change: to exchange for something else. Indeed!

I've been angry a lot lately. Really angry. Not that it really shows. No one's asking me, "why are you so angry?"
But the anger makes me tired. I think (but am not certain) that the anger is stemming from unresolved conflicts. Everywhere I look I see them. And I want to resolve them but I don't know what to do. From this chair tonight I do not see how.
The other day I was just walking around the house when I realized, "hey, I'm really mad. I'm mad at mom and friend." (friend shall remain anonymous.) I decided to journal. I was no further than a sentence in when I realized that I was fighting myself to be honest about my anger. So after giving myself permission to let it fly... it did. It really flew. with plenty of nice swear words for added lift.
For a long time the writing was about my mom, but after I'd gotten all of that off my chest I strangely found myself venting simultaneously about my sister and my friend (there's no real world connection here). I kept using they and found that I was feeling so betrayed by their actions and how they were attacking something precious to me.
And all of the sudden... it clicked! It was my actions that created this mess! They were all very happy indeed with the relationships we had. I was the one who needed something different and moved toward it. From their angle it was me that betrayed them, it was me that attacked something precious to them. Suddenly I was on the other side of the river! And for a day I felt o.k. For a day all trace of victim mentality was gone and I felt strong with the power of personal choice.
Since then I see myself cycling (not on a bike). Anger, sadness or something else rises -- I move into it -- something new emerges.
But generally speaking I am still really angry. In my head I say the F word a lot. Sometimes anger masks sadness. Sometimes sadness masks anger. The reality is that I have a whole lot to be angry about -- so right now it is through angry-land I go.

Crazy for Summer

As a couple, Pete and I aren't "spur of the moment" types. But, in the spirit of desiring to actually live life we struck out on two rather unplanned adventures this weekend.

Saturday we left at 2:30 pm for Gooseberry Falls State Park. I have been wanting to show the kids Lake Superior - so even though it was late in the day we packed some sandwiches and drinks and off we went. The drive was tedious but the adventure was great. I dangles my feet in the rushing water while Pete chased the kids over the rocks at the base of middle falls. It amuses me that Pete has to do things he wouldn't choose to do on his own but because he fears for our children's safety he chases after them on their adventure. Sometimes our children help us to loosen up and live. What in the heck happened to us? Why did we give up so many things that make life worth living? "Oh no, we might get wet, or hot, or slip and scrape our shins!!"
After the falls we took the hike down to lake superior. I love gentle hikes. More challenging hikes are welcome too - just not in my current condition - sometimes I get winded standing still. When hiking we usually carry a fanny-pack that has water bottle attachments, but in our spontaneous mode we hadn't thought of that so we were without water and I was getting really thirsty. Just as a cloud of regret began to darken the skyline we came to the end of our trail and behold... a water fountain! What unexpected provision - hurray!
We popped out where the river (don't know the name of it) empties into Lake Superior. It seemed like a protected little bay area. Steep cliffs off to one side, the sun setting behind us in the river valley. Beautiful! The kids began looking for interesting rocks - we stayed and enjoyed it all for a while. On our way back up the trail we saw a deer eating from the river below - completely unafraid.
The drive home was late - we didn't arrive home until nearly midnight. I was struggling to stay awake - to keep Pete company - I wasn't driving thankfully.

Today we left even later, 4 pm to go to William O'Brien State Park - a much shorter drive, only 50 minutes. "We paid for a State Park pass, and by golly we're going to get our money's worth!" No, the real reason is even more ludicrous. I was looking for a lake we could swim in that would allow noodles and floaties and such. The beach at William O'Brien is sandy and well groomed. The water was delightfully warm and shallow, which is great for playing with the kids. Olivia is such a go-getter. She spent the entire time trying out new moves. "Mommy, Daddy watch me do this!" We had to coax Gunnar out of the shallow-shallows into the to-his-chest shallows. After that he was talking about what a big kid he is. We had a wonderful swim.

We took risks. We got hot. We got wet. We saw beautiful things. We breathed sweet air. We ate car sandwiches, dairy queen, and cheetos. We had a wonderful weekend.

Clinging

I can't seem to shake this sadness. There's one part of me that is desperate to do this, shake it. I'm tempted toward anger, revenge, being a victim, despair... anything but simply feeling this sadness. This part of me tends to think of this experience in terms of darkness, cruelty, "the end", hopelessness.
But there's this other piece, thankfully. The blogger from Sleeping with bread left this comment on Jan's site yesterday, ". . . staying the journey . . . trusting that this darkness, this tragic time, is also light unimaginable . . ." I have been clinging to this since reading it yesterday. This part of me knows that this place is very sad but also full of hope, that it feels like death but is full of life, that this place seems dark and scary but is full of light unimaginable.
It's like these two parts are having a tug-of-war within me. I'm tired.
And sad.

I wasn't expecting Dave's sermon on Sunday to hit home. I knew that he would be speaking on "when God is silent". (I can't even say that phrase without saying it in a drawn out, southern baptist preacher style, "when Gooooood is silenttt!") But it came home like a gift, a spot of light in this dark place. I feel God calling me out of the unhealthy attachment that I have with my family. In some ways this "fast" chose me - in the way that my family has given me their "no" and in the way that they have excluded me. But now I'm feeling God call me out of this "poor me" place. Now he seems to be asking me to also choose this fast - for the purpose of loosening my ties with this family and strengthening my ties with him. So we spent some time together yesterday - this was the passage I was led to: "The land will be empty of them and enjoy its Sabbaths while they're gone." Lev 26:43. Very funny! Really helpful for two reasons. #1 - it helps to look at this time apart as an enjoyable rest instead of a stripping away. #2 - it's very interesting to note that the Israelites had not been giving the land it's proper rest, nor have I been giving myself a proper "rest" from these family ways - which is part of the unhealth.

God is present. As close as the air I breath. I chose not to run from this sadness. Yet I also choose to keep my face to the light.

too many fish

So many fishies in the bowl
swimming, swimming
fast in a circle
a small whirlpool is created
but nothing escapes
the bowl
try again tomorrow