Last night my lover said to me, "Do you want to wash or dry?"
We are getting a new dishwasher. Pete opted to remove the old one and install the new one himself. We get the new one tomorrow (Tuesday) so Pete decided to remove the old one Saturday - in case of any problems.
We'd washed up all the dirty dishes just before disconnecting the old beast, but by Sunday eve we had a nice pile-up next to the sink. "So, do you want to wash or dry?"
I didn't even know how to start. I kept looking around the kitchen trying to figure out how to begin. Befuddled. Pete suggested rinsing first. OK, rinse! Yes! I rinsed everything that needed it and made large stacks to the right of the sink with overflow going to the table. Pete washed off the counter to the left of the sink. I filled the sink with scalding water and soap, donned the yellow rubber gloves and started with the baby bottles, the glasses and an argument.
Yes, we were arguing. But then we moved on to talk of other things. It was all so strangely familiar -- yet we had not engaged in this activity together for quite a long time. Each place we have lived during our married life together has had a dishwasher. But much of our growing up years we were the disherwasher. Pete's family had a disherwasher for a time when he was eight or so. We got our first dishwasher when I was 16. Pete said that he often did the dishes by himself. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. Dishwashing was never a solitary time. I remember plenty of soap fights and towel snapping. I'm sure there was singing too. And lots of talking. I had forgotten what this mundane practice made space for.
Pete had to leave for Volleyball before we were finished. As he left he said, "It was nice doing dishes with you." Yes, it was.
~~~
Today I swept out the hole where the dishwasher goes. You can see a bit of the original (1980) vinyl that's under the new (2001) tile. I showed it to Livy and Gunnar. Livy said, "Oh! it's beautiful! It looks like a floor a princess would have!" Huh?! It's brown and tan and highly patterned 70s looking vinyl! Kids are great! I was priming some baseboards this weekend and Gunnar was hoping that the top coat would be red! He wants to paint his bedroom black. They are funny! I really do think they would enjoy living in a rainbow colored house.
~~~
Pete just called and said they will be delivering the new dishwasher tomorrow morning between 7 and 9! Hurrah!
Monday, February 27, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Old photo
My sister Gina recently sent me this photo. She's been converting old slides into digital images. This was taken at Grandma and Grandpa Herrmann's house. You can see the daisies that always grew next to the house. Gina and I are just 13 months apart. I'm the one on the right. We look so different. We used to joke that Mom and Dad found Gina in a ditch and decided to take her home for their own.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Spiritual Community
On Monday evening I went to the spiritual direction leadership group. It's been nearly 3 months since I was there (maternity leave). The night was filled with the lavish grace of God's presence. It is so sweet when we come together, listen well to each other's stories, meditate on scripture, prayerfully notice where God is at work and wonder together at what might be upcoming. It still surprises me when I see God weave a common thread through all we are hearing, seeing, saying. Oh, I have sooo missed this community. As we closed the evening with prayer I came undone. My heart overflowed with tears. I love this way of being together.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
a heart of gold
Baby is starting to fuss so I don't know how much time I'll have. I often feel as if I'm playing "Concentration" and my time is nearly up.
In my last blog I wrote, "I like to believe that I'm beyond all of this preformance driven pointlessness. These fires have proved that it is not so." Then in my reading I came across this:
I Peter 1:6-7
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffereing comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
After I read that I realized that I think that my heart is bad. I look at trials as hard times that will reveal my rotten heart. Underneath my surface mask lies immaturity, sin, meanness, faithlessness, anger. Aggravations expose me as a fake, a sinner. They expose my immaturity. At least, that's the belief I've been operating under. No wonder I resist challenges.
But this verse seems to imply something far different. What goes into the fire doesn't come out stinking. It comes out clean, and pure, and refined. Something good is exposed. Now what if I believed that. What if I went into trials, went through trials, looking for the good to be exposed, certain I would find it.
And yet trials do expose my sin and need of Christ. But not only my lack, and perhaps not primarily my lack.
This all reminds me of reading John Eldridge a few years back. He claims that our hearts are good. One Sunday, in my position as usher, I was welcoming those entering the sanctuary. As I looked into those faces my own heart was nearly exploding with joy, "My heart is GOOD! My heart is GOOD!"
Yes, indeed, a heart of pure gold.
In my last blog I wrote, "I like to believe that I'm beyond all of this preformance driven pointlessness. These fires have proved that it is not so." Then in my reading I came across this:
I Peter 1:6-7
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffereing comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
After I read that I realized that I think that my heart is bad. I look at trials as hard times that will reveal my rotten heart. Underneath my surface mask lies immaturity, sin, meanness, faithlessness, anger. Aggravations expose me as a fake, a sinner. They expose my immaturity. At least, that's the belief I've been operating under. No wonder I resist challenges.
But this verse seems to imply something far different. What goes into the fire doesn't come out stinking. It comes out clean, and pure, and refined. Something good is exposed. Now what if I believed that. What if I went into trials, went through trials, looking for the good to be exposed, certain I would find it.
And yet trials do expose my sin and need of Christ. But not only my lack, and perhaps not primarily my lack.
This all reminds me of reading John Eldridge a few years back. He claims that our hearts are good. One Sunday, in my position as usher, I was welcoming those entering the sanctuary. As I looked into those faces my own heart was nearly exploding with joy, "My heart is GOOD! My heart is GOOD!"
Yes, indeed, a heart of pure gold.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Begin again
Jan 2, 2006. Breath in the day.
On new year's eve we took some time at the dinner table to reminisce about the year 2005. We had begun by asking our kids what they liked best about 2005 and what they hoped for 2006. That turned out to be a recap of presents received this Christmas and presents hoped for in the coming year -- of course! We began to go over the events and experiences of the past year. It was amazingly catharthic to do so. 2005 was a real wing-dinger. It was lovely to think about the little summer trips we took. We remembered where we celebrated birthdays and where we would like to celebrate them this year. It was good to name the changes that have taken place, such as Pete's job change, Gunnar starting school and, of course, the addition of sweet baby Tally.
And yet, I feel pressure to downplay the magnitude of events that took place and to minimize the effects these events had on us. It is cool to be cool. Right?
Judy Hougen's recent Christmas Meditation blog spoke to me. www.emergentself.blogspot.com
She wrote, "Just the tyranny of an unattainable ideal. A world far more tidy than the one I inhabit." Oh, yes! I realized that I have been hiding, masking, white-washing my reality.
Then Matt www.mattiasandtwine.blogspot.com posted a link to a site that included this:
"We are fantastically worried about our status as cultural outsiders. We want to be in. We want to be relevant. But we know we are out. We fear we are irrelevant." And I commented, "We? Funny, I got to thinking it was just me. Feels good to be reminded - like I can be friends with my friends again."
Ah, to be vulnerable. To be honest and real. To face one's reality and not run, nor cover, nor tidy up.
There were amazing good and deep things of God in and amongst all of the good and hard of this past year. I do NOT desire to minimize his Life in my life. Nor do I want to fail to notice Him in ALL of life. But my point here is that I do not desire to use flimsy god platitudes as bandages for the pain in my life or as attempts to appear less messy to those around me. This year was damn hard. The harder and messier it got, the more I pasted on the fake smile. Or if I leaked truth, then I imagined disapproval.
I like to believe that I'm beyond all of this preformance driven pointlessness. These fires have proved that it is not so. Yet I have noticed that there are tiny spots of ease. Many times this year I have reminded myself to "be present to what IS". That in turn has given me the freedom to go gently with myself and others, and to do what I might need to do, like take a nap.
I want to begin again. I want to release myself to be myself. I want to create space for those around me to do the same. O.K. self, be released. Ding. You are free to move about the country.
On new year's eve we took some time at the dinner table to reminisce about the year 2005. We had begun by asking our kids what they liked best about 2005 and what they hoped for 2006. That turned out to be a recap of presents received this Christmas and presents hoped for in the coming year -- of course! We began to go over the events and experiences of the past year. It was amazingly catharthic to do so. 2005 was a real wing-dinger. It was lovely to think about the little summer trips we took. We remembered where we celebrated birthdays and where we would like to celebrate them this year. It was good to name the changes that have taken place, such as Pete's job change, Gunnar starting school and, of course, the addition of sweet baby Tally.
And yet, I feel pressure to downplay the magnitude of events that took place and to minimize the effects these events had on us. It is cool to be cool. Right?
Judy Hougen's recent Christmas Meditation blog spoke to me. www.emergentself.blogspot.com
She wrote, "Just the tyranny of an unattainable ideal. A world far more tidy than the one I inhabit." Oh, yes! I realized that I have been hiding, masking, white-washing my reality.
Then Matt www.mattiasandtwine.blogspot.com posted a link to a site that included this:
"We are fantastically worried about our status as cultural outsiders. We want to be in. We want to be relevant. But we know we are out. We fear we are irrelevant." And I commented, "We? Funny, I got to thinking it was just me. Feels good to be reminded - like I can be friends with my friends again."
Ah, to be vulnerable. To be honest and real. To face one's reality and not run, nor cover, nor tidy up.
There were amazing good and deep things of God in and amongst all of the good and hard of this past year. I do NOT desire to minimize his Life in my life. Nor do I want to fail to notice Him in ALL of life. But my point here is that I do not desire to use flimsy god platitudes as bandages for the pain in my life or as attempts to appear less messy to those around me. This year was damn hard. The harder and messier it got, the more I pasted on the fake smile. Or if I leaked truth, then I imagined disapproval.
I like to believe that I'm beyond all of this preformance driven pointlessness. These fires have proved that it is not so. Yet I have noticed that there are tiny spots of ease. Many times this year I have reminded myself to "be present to what IS". That in turn has given me the freedom to go gently with myself and others, and to do what I might need to do, like take a nap.
I want to begin again. I want to release myself to be myself. I want to create space for those around me to do the same. O.K. self, be released. Ding. You are free to move about the country.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Bits
I've used up nearly all of my naptime blogging, so I thought I might as well use the rest of it actually posting something. Here are some random bits.
1. Yesterday was victorious! I had both a shower AND a nap! (that never happens.)
2. Tally pees and poops on us more than the other two combined. I think that she actually holds it until I open her diaper up. Of course her wipes are freezing cold - that might have something to do with it... but still!!! The other day I was bent over her little self trying to get all of the poop out of her unbelievably long crack when - Blamo!! - she loosed the cannons! There was poop all across the changing table, on both the new and the old diaper, on the bars of the changing table, on the wall behind the changing table, on the window, the window trim, on the CURTAIN!, on the dresser next to the changing table, on the monitor, and on the wall behind the dresser! Oh my gosh! That's three feet away from the little pooper's butt - amazing! I was lucky that I yanked my head back upon hearing the explosion - I nearly took it in the face.
3. This year we've cut back the Christmas cookie line-up to two essentials and two well-loved alternates. We simply cannot do without our frosted butter cookies and our thumbprint cookies. They are divine. We also made some russian tea cakes and some chocolate drizzled macaroons. Was it bad for me to follow the poop story with a food story?
4. Livy and Gunnar are sooo excited about Christmas - they like to say how many days are left until Christmas - every time they do I feel a little panic. We have much to do to get ready. We're hosting Pete's family here for Christmas eve. Sort of looking forward to that but also recognizing that I have a fair amount of anxiety related to that eve - still processing that. On Christmas morning it will be just the five of us. We will open presents and enjoy a fancy breakfast. Christmas evening will be spent with some friends - that will be lovely.
5. Yesterday the sky was light grey and the snow was falling slowly and softly. It reminded me of my time at Pacem in Terris... and then I realized that it was last December that I first went to Pacem. It felt sweet to remember my time there and to pray for all those lovely people at Pacem.
6. Time's up. Have to go nurse the baby. Oh dat sweet baby!
1. Yesterday was victorious! I had both a shower AND a nap! (that never happens.)
2. Tally pees and poops on us more than the other two combined. I think that she actually holds it until I open her diaper up. Of course her wipes are freezing cold - that might have something to do with it... but still!!! The other day I was bent over her little self trying to get all of the poop out of her unbelievably long crack when - Blamo!! - she loosed the cannons! There was poop all across the changing table, on both the new and the old diaper, on the bars of the changing table, on the wall behind the changing table, on the window, the window trim, on the CURTAIN!, on the dresser next to the changing table, on the monitor, and on the wall behind the dresser! Oh my gosh! That's three feet away from the little pooper's butt - amazing! I was lucky that I yanked my head back upon hearing the explosion - I nearly took it in the face.
3. This year we've cut back the Christmas cookie line-up to two essentials and two well-loved alternates. We simply cannot do without our frosted butter cookies and our thumbprint cookies. They are divine. We also made some russian tea cakes and some chocolate drizzled macaroons. Was it bad for me to follow the poop story with a food story?
4. Livy and Gunnar are sooo excited about Christmas - they like to say how many days are left until Christmas - every time they do I feel a little panic. We have much to do to get ready. We're hosting Pete's family here for Christmas eve. Sort of looking forward to that but also recognizing that I have a fair amount of anxiety related to that eve - still processing that. On Christmas morning it will be just the five of us. We will open presents and enjoy a fancy breakfast. Christmas evening will be spent with some friends - that will be lovely.
5. Yesterday the sky was light grey and the snow was falling slowly and softly. It reminded me of my time at Pacem in Terris... and then I realized that it was last December that I first went to Pacem. It felt sweet to remember my time there and to pray for all those lovely people at Pacem.
6. Time's up. Have to go nurse the baby. Oh dat sweet baby!
Monday, December 19, 2005
Tribute
Dearest Jan, this one's for you. I have been camped on this passage for a while - every time I read it I think of you.
Joshua 1:1-9 (in part)
After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses' assistant:
"Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I'm giving to the People of Israel. I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on--just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River--all the Hittite country--and then west to the Great Sea. It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you . I won't give up on you; I won't leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. ...Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with your every step you take."
I have trusted you as my leader and have been led to places strange and wonderful, new and full of life. My heart overflows with gratitude to God and to you.
You have been pastor, shepherd, mentor, and friend. I feel choking sadness in seeing you leave. Yet in me there is also great joy. For you, I feel gladness that something planted long ago is now bearing fruit. And joy for me as well because my heart is with you and I trust you still.
Bless you Jan... and thank you.
Joshua 1:1-9 (in part)
After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses' assistant:
"Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I'm giving to the People of Israel. I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on--just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River--all the Hittite country--and then west to the Great Sea. It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you . I won't give up on you; I won't leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. ...Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with your every step you take."
I have trusted you as my leader and have been led to places strange and wonderful, new and full of life. My heart overflows with gratitude to God and to you.
You have been pastor, shepherd, mentor, and friend. I feel choking sadness in seeing you leave. Yet in me there is also great joy. For you, I feel gladness that something planted long ago is now bearing fruit. And joy for me as well because my heart is with you and I trust you still.
Bless you Jan... and thank you.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Hello again
Are you still there?
I haven't much time but I wanted to say something. I miss you all. I miss me too. This current life is hard. In two days we will have made it through one whole month.
Here are the quick details for those of you who haven't heard.
Talia Grace was born November 17, 2005 at 7:43 AM, 9 lbs. 5 oz., 21 inches. More about that later.
Three quotes that are rumbling round in these dark days.
God's great love and purposes for us are worked out in the messes, storms and sins, blue skies, daily work, and dreams of our common lives, working with us as we are and not as we should be.
Eugene Peterson Intro to Joshua, The Message
God meets us in the ordinary and extraordinary occurrences that make up the stuff of our daily lives.
Eugene Peterson Intro to the History Books, The Message
I must learn to have both 'everyday' and Your Day in the same exercise. In devoting myself to the works of this world, I must learn to give myself to You, to possess You, the one and only thing, in everything. ...In You, all that has been scattered is reunited; in Your Love all the diffusion of the day's chores comes home again to the evening of Your unity...
Karl Rahner (bold added by me)
I have been trying to find God in the midst of all of this - which has seemed difficult, or impossible. It was good to find the Rahner quote and to change my action to giving and possessing.
More later.
I welcome your prayers.
I haven't much time but I wanted to say something. I miss you all. I miss me too. This current life is hard. In two days we will have made it through one whole month.
Here are the quick details for those of you who haven't heard.
Talia Grace was born November 17, 2005 at 7:43 AM, 9 lbs. 5 oz., 21 inches. More about that later.
Three quotes that are rumbling round in these dark days.
God's great love and purposes for us are worked out in the messes, storms and sins, blue skies, daily work, and dreams of our common lives, working with us as we are and not as we should be.
Eugene Peterson Intro to Joshua, The Message
God meets us in the ordinary and extraordinary occurrences that make up the stuff of our daily lives.
Eugene Peterson Intro to the History Books, The Message
I must learn to have both 'everyday' and Your Day in the same exercise. In devoting myself to the works of this world, I must learn to give myself to You, to possess You, the one and only thing, in everything. ...In You, all that has been scattered is reunited; in Your Love all the diffusion of the day's chores comes home again to the evening of Your unity...
Karl Rahner (bold added by me)
I have been trying to find God in the midst of all of this - which has seemed difficult, or impossible. It was good to find the Rahner quote and to change my action to giving and possessing.
More later.
I welcome your prayers.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Slowly, Silently
I recognized today my desire for communion. For community. I said to God, "I want to build it, like a house, and live in it and enjoy it." At first this seemed a bit selfish to me. Then I read this and began to wonder if this "house" might provide shelter for more than myself. Mmmm. Delightful wondering.
And yet this growth is like the slowness of the silent, forest day. The sun rises, the soft needles drift down, the branches sway, perhaps rain drips down. Nothing noisy, eventful, dramatic happens. Gentle rhythms are the main event. Slowly, silently - growth is happening.
Living things need an appropriate climate in order to grow and bear fruit. If they are to develop to completion, they require an environment that allows their potential to be realized. The seed will not grow unless there is soil that can feed it, light to draw it forth, warmth to nurture and moisture that unlocks its vitality. Time is also required for its growth to unfold.
... Meditation is the attempt to provide the soul with the proper environment in which to grow and become. In the lives of people like St. Francis or St. Catherine of Genoa one gets a glimpse of what the soul is able to become. Often this is seen as the result of heroic action lying beyond the possibility of ordinary people. The flowering of the human soul, however, is more a matter of the proper psychological and spiritual environment than of particular gifts or disposition or heroism. How seldom we wonder at the growth of the great redwood from a tiny seed dropped at random on the littered floor of the forest. From one seed is grown enought wood to frame several hundred houses. The human soul has seed potentional like this if it has the right environment. Remember that only in a few mountain valleys were the conditions right for the Sequoia gigantea, the mighty redwood, to grow.
... For both the seed and the soul, these things all take time. In both cases there is need for patience. Most of us know enough not to poke at the seed to see if it is sprouting, or to try to hurry it along with too much water or fertilizer or cultivation. The same respect must be shown for the soul as its growth starts to take place. Growth can seldom be forced in nature. Whether it is producing a tree or a human personality, nature unfolds it's growth slowly, silently.
~From The Other Side of Silence by Morton T. Kelsey
And yet this growth is like the slowness of the silent, forest day. The sun rises, the soft needles drift down, the branches sway, perhaps rain drips down. Nothing noisy, eventful, dramatic happens. Gentle rhythms are the main event. Slowly, silently - growth is happening.
Living things need an appropriate climate in order to grow and bear fruit. If they are to develop to completion, they require an environment that allows their potential to be realized. The seed will not grow unless there is soil that can feed it, light to draw it forth, warmth to nurture and moisture that unlocks its vitality. Time is also required for its growth to unfold.
... Meditation is the attempt to provide the soul with the proper environment in which to grow and become. In the lives of people like St. Francis or St. Catherine of Genoa one gets a glimpse of what the soul is able to become. Often this is seen as the result of heroic action lying beyond the possibility of ordinary people. The flowering of the human soul, however, is more a matter of the proper psychological and spiritual environment than of particular gifts or disposition or heroism. How seldom we wonder at the growth of the great redwood from a tiny seed dropped at random on the littered floor of the forest. From one seed is grown enought wood to frame several hundred houses. The human soul has seed potentional like this if it has the right environment. Remember that only in a few mountain valleys were the conditions right for the Sequoia gigantea, the mighty redwood, to grow.
... For both the seed and the soul, these things all take time. In both cases there is need for patience. Most of us know enough not to poke at the seed to see if it is sprouting, or to try to hurry it along with too much water or fertilizer or cultivation. The same respect must be shown for the soul as its growth starts to take place. Growth can seldom be forced in nature. Whether it is producing a tree or a human personality, nature unfolds it's growth slowly, silently.
~From The Other Side of Silence by Morton T. Kelsey
Friday, November 04, 2005
new van -- new vein
new van
Soon after we got pregnant we realized that we had a vehicle problem. The Mazda protege won't accommodate three children in the back - at least not in today's required carseats. We might have been able to get all three in the back of our Ford F-150 Extended Cab but that would have been both difficult and a tight fit. So we decided it was time to get a family truckster, a grocery getter, a van.
I am loving our new van.
First, it's just fun to have a new vehicle.
Second, it is still relatively clean. That's a big deal for our family. Not sure how long that will last.
Third, it's an automatic. "What's the big deal about having an automatic?" you ask. Well, this is only the second automatic vehicle I have ever owned. I had to learn to drive with a stick shift - that was not easy. For about a year I owned a Cutlass Cruiser (station wagon). It was lovely. I felt like I was floating down the highway. Pete and I sold that just before we got married. Since then it's been all manual transmissions. Do you know how difficult it is to eat an ice cream cone while driving a manual transmission? Aaargh! Well, this new van is a dream. It is so easy and I can do almost all of the driving with just ONE hand - wow! And just the other day I bought an ice cream cone, and I held it in my right hand, and I never once changed hands, and I ate it all without the least inconvenience - it was so sweet!
Fourth, it has an incredible number of cup holders and storage cubbies. I love cup holders and storage cubbies. There's even a hidden cubbie in the door armrest.
Fifth, I can slide in and out of this vehicle easily, even with this giant baby-belly-body.
Sixth, it will be so easy to get the baby in and out of this vehicle. Whew! Sure, they weigh about nothing when they first come out but soon you fear you will tear a muscle carrying that baby-in-carseat to and from anywhere. And getting it in and out of a vehicle can be back breaking.
Seventh, it's dark grey. We decided to get a year end deal by buying a 2005. Our color choices were white and baby blue. But at the last minute he found us a dark grey - wooo hooo!
Yeah, I think that's about it.
new vein
I got some really great varicose veins during my pregnancy with #2. I've added to my collection with this pregnancy. Yesterday, while toweling off after my shower, I found a spot near one of my new veins that was hot and sore. Uh-oh!
I called the nurseline and they, of course, wanted to see me at the hospital to check it out. And yes, I have a clot. It's not deep though, and that's good because we are hoping to treat it "non-agressively". I didn't ask what "aggressive" treatment might look like - yikes! "Non-agressive" currently means lying down 4 times a day and applying a hot compress to the spot, drinking lots of fluids, not crossing my legs or staying seated for too long, and watching for signs that things have gotten worse. The fear is that the clot would go deep and cut off circulation to my leg or would make it's way to my lung - which of course would be bad.
The bit of good news in all of this is that my midwife said that magic word... "induce". I said how great that would be and then asked when. She said week 39. That means I could possibly have this baby out in just 2 weeks!!! Oh Halleluia! Hang in there body-o-mine. I promise never to do this to you again.
Soon after we got pregnant we realized that we had a vehicle problem. The Mazda protege won't accommodate three children in the back - at least not in today's required carseats. We might have been able to get all three in the back of our Ford F-150 Extended Cab but that would have been both difficult and a tight fit. So we decided it was time to get a family truckster, a grocery getter, a van.
I am loving our new van.
First, it's just fun to have a new vehicle.
Second, it is still relatively clean. That's a big deal for our family. Not sure how long that will last.
Third, it's an automatic. "What's the big deal about having an automatic?" you ask. Well, this is only the second automatic vehicle I have ever owned. I had to learn to drive with a stick shift - that was not easy. For about a year I owned a Cutlass Cruiser (station wagon). It was lovely. I felt like I was floating down the highway. Pete and I sold that just before we got married. Since then it's been all manual transmissions. Do you know how difficult it is to eat an ice cream cone while driving a manual transmission? Aaargh! Well, this new van is a dream. It is so easy and I can do almost all of the driving with just ONE hand - wow! And just the other day I bought an ice cream cone, and I held it in my right hand, and I never once changed hands, and I ate it all without the least inconvenience - it was so sweet!
Fourth, it has an incredible number of cup holders and storage cubbies. I love cup holders and storage cubbies. There's even a hidden cubbie in the door armrest.
Fifth, I can slide in and out of this vehicle easily, even with this giant baby-belly-body.
Sixth, it will be so easy to get the baby in and out of this vehicle. Whew! Sure, they weigh about nothing when they first come out but soon you fear you will tear a muscle carrying that baby-in-carseat to and from anywhere. And getting it in and out of a vehicle can be back breaking.
Seventh, it's dark grey. We decided to get a year end deal by buying a 2005. Our color choices were white and baby blue. But at the last minute he found us a dark grey - wooo hooo!
Yeah, I think that's about it.
new vein
I got some really great varicose veins during my pregnancy with #2. I've added to my collection with this pregnancy. Yesterday, while toweling off after my shower, I found a spot near one of my new veins that was hot and sore. Uh-oh!
I called the nurseline and they, of course, wanted to see me at the hospital to check it out. And yes, I have a clot. It's not deep though, and that's good because we are hoping to treat it "non-agressively". I didn't ask what "aggressive" treatment might look like - yikes! "Non-agressive" currently means lying down 4 times a day and applying a hot compress to the spot, drinking lots of fluids, not crossing my legs or staying seated for too long, and watching for signs that things have gotten worse. The fear is that the clot would go deep and cut off circulation to my leg or would make it's way to my lung - which of course would be bad.
The bit of good news in all of this is that my midwife said that magic word... "induce". I said how great that would be and then asked when. She said week 39. That means I could possibly have this baby out in just 2 weeks!!! Oh Halleluia! Hang in there body-o-mine. I promise never to do this to you again.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Baby blather
I flipped the calendar to November and thought, "Oh my gosh! This is the month the baby comes! I can't believe we're that close."
She is due 3 weeks from tomorrow. 3 WEEKS!!! Every now and then I sort of freak out. Most days I would really like to have her out of my body, NOW! But reality hits when I think about something like writing out my birth plan. I get a shiver down my spine.
Sometimes the reality check is sweet, like when I try to picture what sweet-baby-girl will look like, smell like, feel like. We are so close to meeting her and there is nothing like that first introduction - pure glory!
Other times the reality check is a slow dawning.
I went completely drug free with #1's labor and delivery. (please insert amazed oohs and aaahs - whatever.) All the right elements were present: a supportive husband, a supportive midwife (John is the best!), a rested body, and a very motivated me. I rode the waves of pain like a surfer. Sure I got wet but I was able to stay just above the waves. All in all the labor was a relatively normal 24 hours and I only pushed for 30 minutes - pretty sweet all things considered.
The elements weren't quite so right with #2. We weren't rested - the hardest part of labor happened late at night. My midwife wasn't emotionally supportive, very clinical, which I think is so strange for a midwife to be clinical. anyway. The waves were on top of me. I couldn't get up. Crash! Crash! Crash! So I asked for drugs. I got an intrathecal, a shot of morphine to the spine. It's similar to an epidural but not so numbing. I could get up and walk if I wanted to. It tickled and tingled like when a limb falls asleep. It was a dream! The midwife asked, "what do you want to do now?" Jokingly I said, "Take a nap." She said, "O.K." "What!? Really? Sweet!" So we did. We took a nap for about 45 minutes. I woke knowing it was time to push. It was hell trying to wake Pete - he was out! We got the midwife and nurse in there and that baby was out in ten minutes. Ouch!
Afterwards I thought, "Why in the heck did I not take drugs with #1? Drugs rock!"
So I've been planning on having drugs with this baby. But here's the slow dawning... You don't get drugs with the first real contraction. You don't even go to the hospital until the contractions are coming every 5 minutes, and you can't talk or walk through one. Duh! It's like I'd thought I was going to get out of ALL of the pain - silly me. Crap! I can't believe I'm about to do this again. Plus, who knows, I may get there too late to have drugs. Third time around but I still don't really know what I'm in for. Oh boy!
Her room looks good. Just a few details to finish. And you just have to see the carseat - it so cute! We didn't want to spend $100 for a pink carseat. So we bought the brand we wanted but it had pooh on it, new pooh. I'm all for vintage pooh but I can't stand new pooh (I know that I just lost most of you there, but hang in there). Anyway, I got some vintage chenille off of ebay and covered the seat cushion and made a new hood. It is the cutest car seat EVER! When I first bring the baby around you'll be wanting to see the girl and I'll be "who cares about the baby! look at the carseat!" just kidding.
Well, this has gone on long enough. Perhaps tomorrow I can bore you with my complaints about how horribly huge and uncomfortable I've become. Thanks for listening to my blather.
She is due 3 weeks from tomorrow. 3 WEEKS!!! Every now and then I sort of freak out. Most days I would really like to have her out of my body, NOW! But reality hits when I think about something like writing out my birth plan. I get a shiver down my spine.
Sometimes the reality check is sweet, like when I try to picture what sweet-baby-girl will look like, smell like, feel like. We are so close to meeting her and there is nothing like that first introduction - pure glory!
Other times the reality check is a slow dawning.
I went completely drug free with #1's labor and delivery. (please insert amazed oohs and aaahs - whatever.) All the right elements were present: a supportive husband, a supportive midwife (John is the best!), a rested body, and a very motivated me. I rode the waves of pain like a surfer. Sure I got wet but I was able to stay just above the waves. All in all the labor was a relatively normal 24 hours and I only pushed for 30 minutes - pretty sweet all things considered.
The elements weren't quite so right with #2. We weren't rested - the hardest part of labor happened late at night. My midwife wasn't emotionally supportive, very clinical, which I think is so strange for a midwife to be clinical. anyway. The waves were on top of me. I couldn't get up. Crash! Crash! Crash! So I asked for drugs. I got an intrathecal, a shot of morphine to the spine. It's similar to an epidural but not so numbing. I could get up and walk if I wanted to. It tickled and tingled like when a limb falls asleep. It was a dream! The midwife asked, "what do you want to do now?" Jokingly I said, "Take a nap." She said, "O.K." "What!? Really? Sweet!" So we did. We took a nap for about 45 minutes. I woke knowing it was time to push. It was hell trying to wake Pete - he was out! We got the midwife and nurse in there and that baby was out in ten minutes. Ouch!
Afterwards I thought, "Why in the heck did I not take drugs with #1? Drugs rock!"
So I've been planning on having drugs with this baby. But here's the slow dawning... You don't get drugs with the first real contraction. You don't even go to the hospital until the contractions are coming every 5 minutes, and you can't talk or walk through one. Duh! It's like I'd thought I was going to get out of ALL of the pain - silly me. Crap! I can't believe I'm about to do this again. Plus, who knows, I may get there too late to have drugs. Third time around but I still don't really know what I'm in for. Oh boy!
Her room looks good. Just a few details to finish. And you just have to see the carseat - it so cute! We didn't want to spend $100 for a pink carseat. So we bought the brand we wanted but it had pooh on it, new pooh. I'm all for vintage pooh but I can't stand new pooh (I know that I just lost most of you there, but hang in there). Anyway, I got some vintage chenille off of ebay and covered the seat cushion and made a new hood. It is the cutest car seat EVER! When I first bring the baby around you'll be wanting to see the girl and I'll be "who cares about the baby! look at the carseat!" just kidding.
Well, this has gone on long enough. Perhaps tomorrow I can bore you with my complaints about how horribly huge and uncomfortable I've become. Thanks for listening to my blather.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Winter
Since my last post about my internal and familial stuggle I have noticed a significant shift within.
After I posted, things detriorated further, painfully so. Something inside me began to shut down. I didn't know what to do with this new thing. Where had my fight gone to? Why was I sensing this new stillness? And how was I to answer the demand to continue activity when my heart so clearly was readying the burrow for winter.
I felt adrift with no words to even name what was happening. Then Jan blogged this poem.
The seed is in the ground.
Now may we rest in hope
While darkness does its work.
~~ Wendell Berry, A Timbered Choir
And then it became much more clear. Winter was here.
Now in my physical life I greatly dislike winter. The length and depth of coldness wear me down. But this internal winter feels like a gift. I know God's gentle leading is here. He is bringing on this season and asking me to acknowledge it's reality and to begin acting accordingly. My heart and mind have been filled with the sweetest images of winter. Warm, fur lined rabbit burrows. Thick, white blankets of snow. Soft smoke curling up from the cottage chimney. Bears with thick piles of fat curling up for the winter. Cozied up families shifting their activities away from the long, busy, harvest to a new time of hearth-side talks and early bedtimes.
In spring we tilled and planted - I began to wonder about the quality of the soil and seeds. In summer we tended and pulled weeds and watered - I began to see more clearly what was growing. In the fall we harvested - I knew a bitter harvest and felt the dying within me as frost came on. But now fall is past. Winter is here. And this winter is full of quiet, stillness, peace. And hope. This is a time of rest. A time of reduced, close-to-home living. This baby is coming soon (we have four weeks left). I feel God's arms coming around us like a big mother bear's. We are all wrapped up in a ball. I feel loved.
Yet, I am mindful of you. You, my beloved blogland commune-ity. You, my spiritual direction family. You, my friends. You are dear to me. You are important to this time. You may be experiencing your own season of winter.
Jan says, "Spring will come and with it the newness of life. Let us not grow weary in our waiting but find ways to nurture what is growing in secret." Sweet, wise Jan, thank you! And thank you blog friends - you help to nurture what is growing in secret.
After I posted, things detriorated further, painfully so. Something inside me began to shut down. I didn't know what to do with this new thing. Where had my fight gone to? Why was I sensing this new stillness? And how was I to answer the demand to continue activity when my heart so clearly was readying the burrow for winter.
I felt adrift with no words to even name what was happening. Then Jan blogged this poem.
The seed is in the ground.
Now may we rest in hope
While darkness does its work.
~~ Wendell Berry, A Timbered Choir
And then it became much more clear. Winter was here.
Now in my physical life I greatly dislike winter. The length and depth of coldness wear me down. But this internal winter feels like a gift. I know God's gentle leading is here. He is bringing on this season and asking me to acknowledge it's reality and to begin acting accordingly. My heart and mind have been filled with the sweetest images of winter. Warm, fur lined rabbit burrows. Thick, white blankets of snow. Soft smoke curling up from the cottage chimney. Bears with thick piles of fat curling up for the winter. Cozied up families shifting their activities away from the long, busy, harvest to a new time of hearth-side talks and early bedtimes.
In spring we tilled and planted - I began to wonder about the quality of the soil and seeds. In summer we tended and pulled weeds and watered - I began to see more clearly what was growing. In the fall we harvested - I knew a bitter harvest and felt the dying within me as frost came on. But now fall is past. Winter is here. And this winter is full of quiet, stillness, peace. And hope. This is a time of rest. A time of reduced, close-to-home living. This baby is coming soon (we have four weeks left). I feel God's arms coming around us like a big mother bear's. We are all wrapped up in a ball. I feel loved.
Yet, I am mindful of you. You, my beloved blogland commune-ity. You, my spiritual direction family. You, my friends. You are dear to me. You are important to this time. You may be experiencing your own season of winter.
Jan says, "Spring will come and with it the newness of life. Let us not grow weary in our waiting but find ways to nurture what is growing in secret." Sweet, wise Jan, thank you! And thank you blog friends - you help to nurture what is growing in secret.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
It's a Norah day
My kids are watching Sesame Street. Norah Jones is on today singing to Elmo about missing the letter of the day, "Y".
"Don't know why "Y" didn't come."
I need some Norah today. I need some soulful crooning.
"Don't know why "Y" didn't come."
I need some Norah today. I need some soulful crooning.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Howie Day Lyrics
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Liar, liar!
It was supposed to come off as a joke. A very funny joke.
We are, of course, NOT naming our child Epiphany.
Baby girl has been named Talia Grace. (Tally for short.)
Talia - Hebrew - heaven's dew.
Tahlia - Greek - flowering, blooming.
I hope this clears things up.
:)
We are, of course, NOT naming our child Epiphany.
Baby girl has been named Talia Grace. (Tally for short.)
Talia - Hebrew - heaven's dew.
Tahlia - Greek - flowering, blooming.
I hope this clears things up.
:)
Friday, September 30, 2005
Third time's a charm
Yes, I know. Three posts in one day?! But Jaime got away with it once so I thought I'd try. :)
Well, what is so important that I would need to post for the third time today? We've decided on a name for our baby! We are naming her Epiphany.
That way when she is born I can say, "I just had an...
Well, what is so important that I would need to post for the third time today? We've decided on a name for our baby! We are naming her Epiphany.
That way when she is born I can say, "I just had an...
AMAZING NEWS!!!
Peter, my husband, has finally begun his own blog!
"That's amazing", you say.
Yes, I knew you'd be amazed.
Check him out at www.undecidedblogname.blogspot.com
His blog name is "some clever name".
He's good right? Wow, I've never seen such creativity! (We're like kindred spirits.)
:)
"That's amazing", you say.
Yes, I knew you'd be amazed.
Check him out at www.undecidedblogname.blogspot.com
His blog name is "some clever name".
He's good right? Wow, I've never seen such creativity! (We're like kindred spirits.)
:)
Concert Tonight!
We're off to see Caedmon's Call tonight. I'm really looking forward to it! (no, really?)
I've already posted one of their songs. Here's another one that I find myself going back to over and over.
"There's Only One (Holy One)"
Words and Music by Randall Goodgame
Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land
It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye
I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
And there's only one, only one Holy One
I was going to add bold to my favorite lines but then I realized that I would be adding bold to pretty much the entire song. But there are some really sweet lines in there.
I hope to sing this with the congregation sometime. It would be so great to shout this out together.
I've already posted one of their songs. Here's another one that I find myself going back to over and over.
"There's Only One (Holy One)"
Words and Music by Randall Goodgame
Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land
It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye
I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
And there's only one, only one Holy One
I was going to add bold to my favorite lines but then I realized that I would be adding bold to pretty much the entire song. But there are some really sweet lines in there.
I hope to sing this with the congregation sometime. It would be so great to shout this out together.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Counter-culture Jesus
I'm blog stuck again. This time because I fear that I am being defined by my current "tough" place. Damn, I don't want that!
Can I walk this dark path without you thinking of me solely in terms of my dark path-ness? Can you see the God-child in the midst of this journey? Am I creating this dynamic by blogging about this dark path place so frequently?
Well dash it all, this dark path place is simply where I am. Furthermore, it is where I feel God is leading me. What am I to do?
Here are the current wonderings.
Matt. 10:34-37 Msg
Don't think I've come to make life cozy. I've come to cut -- make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law -- cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don't deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don't deserve me.
Matt 15:1-3 NIV
Then some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, "Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders?... Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, 'Honor your father and mother' and 'Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' But you say that if a man says to his father or mother, 'Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is a gift devoted to God,' he is not to 'honor his father' with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you;
"'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.'"
Wow, feel the tension! So which is it? One seems like an apple, the other an orange. Or rather, one is a butterfly, the other a bowling ball. But God is calling me into the tension. Not to be torn apart, but to wonder, to hold this tension gently.
Already he is revealing something. In the Matt 15 passage I run ahead and jump into the tension. This time he stopped me early. Listen.
"Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders?... Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?"
Families are full of tradition. We all have a system that we grew up in. Was it surprising to you when you first realized that other families didn't do things the way your family did things? Did you get hurt when you unintentionally stepped over that invisible line at your friend's house? your date's house? In recent years I have become more aware of my own family's system. And now I am making choices to break the traditions of my family. I can hear my mom's voice in place of the Pharisee's, "Gloria claims to be your disciple. So why does she break the traditions of this family? How disrespectful and unloving! This is the way we've always done things, as did our parents!" and Jesus responding to her, "I am indeed calling her to love and respect, to the commands of God that have been in place for all time. But your traditions are not my traditions. I have come to cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free her, and you, for God."
Ah, it's coming together a bit.
This still doesn't solve the tension of being daughter against mother, let alone the tension of being cut free for God while still honoring and respecting my parents.
"Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely." Matt 13:12 Msg
Lord, I open my heart to you. Make it ready. In your good timing flow.
Can I walk this dark path without you thinking of me solely in terms of my dark path-ness? Can you see the God-child in the midst of this journey? Am I creating this dynamic by blogging about this dark path place so frequently?
Well dash it all, this dark path place is simply where I am. Furthermore, it is where I feel God is leading me. What am I to do?
Here are the current wonderings.
Matt. 10:34-37 Msg
Don't think I've come to make life cozy. I've come to cut -- make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law -- cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don't deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don't deserve me.
Matt 15:1-3 NIV
Then some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, "Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders?... Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, 'Honor your father and mother' and 'Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' But you say that if a man says to his father or mother, 'Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is a gift devoted to God,' he is not to 'honor his father' with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you;
"'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.'"
Wow, feel the tension! So which is it? One seems like an apple, the other an orange. Or rather, one is a butterfly, the other a bowling ball. But God is calling me into the tension. Not to be torn apart, but to wonder, to hold this tension gently.
Already he is revealing something. In the Matt 15 passage I run ahead and jump into the tension. This time he stopped me early. Listen.
"Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders?... Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?"
Families are full of tradition. We all have a system that we grew up in. Was it surprising to you when you first realized that other families didn't do things the way your family did things? Did you get hurt when you unintentionally stepped over that invisible line at your friend's house? your date's house? In recent years I have become more aware of my own family's system. And now I am making choices to break the traditions of my family. I can hear my mom's voice in place of the Pharisee's, "Gloria claims to be your disciple. So why does she break the traditions of this family? How disrespectful and unloving! This is the way we've always done things, as did our parents!" and Jesus responding to her, "I am indeed calling her to love and respect, to the commands of God that have been in place for all time. But your traditions are not my traditions. I have come to cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free her, and you, for God."
Ah, it's coming together a bit.
This still doesn't solve the tension of being daughter against mother, let alone the tension of being cut free for God while still honoring and respecting my parents.
"Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely." Matt 13:12 Msg
Lord, I open my heart to you. Make it ready. In your good timing flow.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
getting to know me?
For you Eija, and for anyone else who might find this interesting,
5 things I plan to do before I die: (these aren't really plans, more like dreams or hopes).
1. Birth one more child. (not a lot of options on this one)
2. Travel: Grand Canyon, Ireland, take kids to tropical beach.
3. Own and renovate either a 1920's bungalow or a turn of the century farm house.
4. Learn tai chi.
5. have goats and chickens again
6. learn to play the cello or guitar
5 things I can do:
1. Quilt and make penny rugs.
2. Pray
3. Sing
4. Find a good deal
5. Cook and Bake
5 things I cannot do:
1. html good buddy.
2. almost anything athletic
3. stay away from sugar
4. enjoy goat cheese
5. fake it well
5 things that attract me to (the opposite sex) Peter:
1. The way he smells, specifically his neck.
2. When he loses control laughing.
3. His willingness to listen
4. His out-of-the-box perspective
5. His courage
5 things I say most often:
1. Beautiful!
2. Crap!
3. Oh my gosh!
4. God, what are you inviting here?
5. Feel free to fuss in your room or outside, just not by me.
5 Celebrity crushes:
1. Lenny Kravitz - oh come on!!!
Dudes I like from the roles they played in a movie:
2. Leonardo DiCaprio - from his role in Titanic - reminds me of a young Peter Carlson
3. Orlando Bloom - from his role as Legolas - strong silent type.
4. The guy Bridget Jones ends up with in Bridget Jones' Diary - can't remember his name - strong silent type.
5. The younger Mr. Emerson from "Room With a View" - his passion and masculinity is beautiful!
5 People I want to do this next:
anyone who can do this with a great deal of wit and sarcasm, including but not limited to:
1. Anne Lamott - that would be so great - yeah, like she even reads this blog.
2. my husband - yeah, like he even reads this blog :)
3. Judy Hougen
4. Joel of preaching don't pay
5 things I plan to do before I die: (these aren't really plans, more like dreams or hopes).
1. Birth one more child. (not a lot of options on this one)
2. Travel: Grand Canyon, Ireland, take kids to tropical beach.
3. Own and renovate either a 1920's bungalow or a turn of the century farm house.
4. Learn tai chi.
5. have goats and chickens again
6. learn to play the cello or guitar
5 things I can do:
1. Quilt and make penny rugs.
2. Pray
3. Sing
4. Find a good deal
5. Cook and Bake
5 things I cannot do:
1. html good buddy.
2. almost anything athletic
3. stay away from sugar
4. enjoy goat cheese
5. fake it well
5 things that attract me to (the opposite sex) Peter:
1. The way he smells, specifically his neck.
2. When he loses control laughing.
3. His willingness to listen
4. His out-of-the-box perspective
5. His courage
5 things I say most often:
1. Beautiful!
2. Crap!
3. Oh my gosh!
4. God, what are you inviting here?
5. Feel free to fuss in your room or outside, just not by me.
5 Celebrity crushes:
1. Lenny Kravitz - oh come on!!!
Dudes I like from the roles they played in a movie:
2. Leonardo DiCaprio - from his role in Titanic - reminds me of a young Peter Carlson
3. Orlando Bloom - from his role as Legolas - strong silent type.
4. The guy Bridget Jones ends up with in Bridget Jones' Diary - can't remember his name - strong silent type.
5. The younger Mr. Emerson from "Room With a View" - his passion and masculinity is beautiful!
5 People I want to do this next:
anyone who can do this with a great deal of wit and sarcasm, including but not limited to:
1. Anne Lamott - that would be so great - yeah, like she even reads this blog.
2. my husband - yeah, like he even reads this blog :)
3. Judy Hougen
4. Joel of preaching don't pay
Friday, September 16, 2005
two blogs I like
Here are two blogs that I really like.
pearl -- www.pearlsoul.blogspot.com
joel -- www.whiskeyreview.blogspot.com
pearl -- www.pearlsoul.blogspot.com
joel -- www.whiskeyreview.blogspot.com
Held
As I go through this journey, stepping out into this new land, I find your comments of great encouragement. Thank you to each of you for your words.
Since writing my last post I have felt positively held by God. There is pain and grief but it is not consuming me. We sit together. Love, pain, grief, hope, me, the Father, sitting together.
I love the Caedmon's Call cd. They've traveled to India, Equador and the pain and beauty these places hold. What they sing of has gotten mixed up with Katrina, my family, my Family, my God journey - all of it. This song has been part of the recent day's "holding".
Caedmon's Call - Share the Well
Wings of the Morning
words and music by Andrew Osenga and Joshua Moore
I woke to the sirens of the city
They were calling me to hold my head up high
But the truth was in the dust that hangs like curtains
From the beggars to the sky
The ads and billboards rained in every language
The message every politician knows
When we're fed that we are nothing we'll believe it
And then do what we are told
The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down
On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
Ask any good detective, he will tell you
It's the eyes that always give the truth away
And in yours I see the fear that's bound and gagged you
With no hope for escape
It's true that we are fallen as an angel
But you and me, we're also holy as a prayer
Made in the image of a giver and a lover
Who left His throne to come down here
The spark of the divine I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down
On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
We will rise, rise, on the wings of the morning
Though we hide, hide, in the shadows of night
There is hope, hope, in the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...
Hope is rising... on the wings of the morning
Hope is rising... in the shadows of the night
Hope is rising... from the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...
I love this song. It makes me feel like a hero. Both of my parents grew up being fed the lie that they were nothing, and then doing what they were told. No freedom, tied down with lies. I think that is part of the reason my choices have been such a slap in the face - just who do I think I am?!? I'm hoping the ties are being loosened.
My mom described my current place as a "stronghold". Strong. Hold. Mmmmmm... Oh, I hope so. "Hope is rising... from the hands that have made us and are holding us tight."
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
Since writing my last post I have felt positively held by God. There is pain and grief but it is not consuming me. We sit together. Love, pain, grief, hope, me, the Father, sitting together.
I love the Caedmon's Call cd. They've traveled to India, Equador and the pain and beauty these places hold. What they sing of has gotten mixed up with Katrina, my family, my Family, my God journey - all of it. This song has been part of the recent day's "holding".
Caedmon's Call - Share the Well
Wings of the Morning
words and music by Andrew Osenga and Joshua Moore
I woke to the sirens of the city
They were calling me to hold my head up high
But the truth was in the dust that hangs like curtains
From the beggars to the sky
The ads and billboards rained in every language
The message every politician knows
When we're fed that we are nothing we'll believe it
And then do what we are told
The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down
On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
Ask any good detective, he will tell you
It's the eyes that always give the truth away
And in yours I see the fear that's bound and gagged you
With no hope for escape
It's true that we are fallen as an angel
But you and me, we're also holy as a prayer
Made in the image of a giver and a lover
Who left His throne to come down here
The spark of the divine I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down
On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
We will rise, rise, on the wings of the morning
Though we hide, hide, in the shadows of night
There is hope, hope, in the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...
Hope is rising... on the wings of the morning
Hope is rising... in the shadows of the night
Hope is rising... from the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...
I love this song. It makes me feel like a hero. Both of my parents grew up being fed the lie that they were nothing, and then doing what they were told. No freedom, tied down with lies. I think that is part of the reason my choices have been such a slap in the face - just who do I think I am?!? I'm hoping the ties are being loosened.
My mom described my current place as a "stronghold". Strong. Hold. Mmmmmm... Oh, I hope so. "Hope is rising... from the hands that have made us and are holding us tight."
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
What did I expect?
I've been noticing in myself this desire to reconnect with my family of origin, one sister in particular. But each time I would internally move toward the idea I found that there was no bridge over the water. Yet, still I found that I was left with this vague, nagging sense of responsibility to fix this thing I'd broken.
I sat down with Pete on Sunday and had a 'come present to what is' conversation. Here's what is: I miss my family, sometimes a lot. I feel so sad about the choices they've made. I have been listening to the nagging voice. I have been accepting the role of "the-only-one-who-can-fix-the-problem". I have been afraid to make a move, and have been passively sitting here.
Monday evening my mom left a message on our answering machine that I did not receive until this morning. It went something like, "How are you? I haven't talked with you in a while and I'm wondering how you are doing on your crafts for the Calico Barn. I'm also wondering how Livy and Gunnar are doing at school. Would love to hear from you. Mom." Normal. Completely normal. But my internal response was hurt, offense and frustration. I went and took a shower and found myself praying 'Our Father', but not getting past the first line. It quickly turned into "my father, my father, my father". I was back to my 'permanent trade' blog.
I took some time to read, pray and journal. Then it was time to take action. To be clear about my intensions. I sent mom and email.
Mom,
First I'd like to say that, like you, I'm desiring to reconnect. I miss you and think of you often.
However, this is where things are with me. You have chosen to listen to others when they talk about me. I don't feel safe sharing myself with you, nor do I feel o.k. about acting like things are normal between us. Because you have chosen to behave in a way that I find personally hurtful and relationally destructive, I have decided to protect myself by remaining separate. There's been no change in the way the family relates, or in the way that you relate to me, therefore I have decided to remain outside of family relations.
Love,
Gloria
Then I checked out blogworld and came across Erin's blog. Found these Sara Groves words:
"The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise
And the things I know
...
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned"
My Lord has such sweet timing.
But here's the funny thing (funny strange, not funny ha ha). I talked with Pete at lunch today about my family's system and that right now change is not really even an option because they get their emotional and relational needs met through the existing system. Despite all of that I was still taken aback by my mom's response to my email. It follows:
Thanks for you reply - Then I am to expect that you will not be joining us for the holidays? What are you thinking about taking part in the name exchange? Also, I am expecting that you will not take some time to pick out the material for the baby blanket - if you are not going to complete the cross stitch, please send the squares back - someone else will finish them.Love Mom
Oh, by the way, we will be gone the 24th - you have clothes from Cedar Rapids and Denver and the recliner is still there for you if you want it. The clothes are downstairs in a large suitcase (keep the suitcase - it's from Gina) and 3 large shopping bags. So you can come that week end when we are not there so you don't have to see us.
Love,Mom
So what was I expecting? That she would break? That she would give up on the old system? That she would change her mind? That all of my crazy actions would suddenly make sense to her?
I still find myself surprised that my family can't function or bear the thought that I would ask them not to talk about me behind my back. What?! I know all of the logical reasoning. But my heart won't hear any of that. My heart is like a child and it just wants my family to love me.
So let's have a toast to the tension of pressing into my new identity where God is my father while still holding the love and the pain of my earthly family.
I sat down with Pete on Sunday and had a 'come present to what is' conversation. Here's what is: I miss my family, sometimes a lot. I feel so sad about the choices they've made. I have been listening to the nagging voice. I have been accepting the role of "the-only-one-who-can-fix-the-problem". I have been afraid to make a move, and have been passively sitting here.
Monday evening my mom left a message on our answering machine that I did not receive until this morning. It went something like, "How are you? I haven't talked with you in a while and I'm wondering how you are doing on your crafts for the Calico Barn. I'm also wondering how Livy and Gunnar are doing at school. Would love to hear from you. Mom." Normal. Completely normal. But my internal response was hurt, offense and frustration. I went and took a shower and found myself praying 'Our Father', but not getting past the first line. It quickly turned into "my father, my father, my father". I was back to my 'permanent trade' blog.
I took some time to read, pray and journal. Then it was time to take action. To be clear about my intensions. I sent mom and email.
Mom,
First I'd like to say that, like you, I'm desiring to reconnect. I miss you and think of you often.
However, this is where things are with me. You have chosen to listen to others when they talk about me. I don't feel safe sharing myself with you, nor do I feel o.k. about acting like things are normal between us. Because you have chosen to behave in a way that I find personally hurtful and relationally destructive, I have decided to protect myself by remaining separate. There's been no change in the way the family relates, or in the way that you relate to me, therefore I have decided to remain outside of family relations.
Love,
Gloria
Then I checked out blogworld and came across Erin's blog. Found these Sara Groves words:
"The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise
And the things I know
...
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned"
My Lord has such sweet timing.
But here's the funny thing (funny strange, not funny ha ha). I talked with Pete at lunch today about my family's system and that right now change is not really even an option because they get their emotional and relational needs met through the existing system. Despite all of that I was still taken aback by my mom's response to my email. It follows:
Thanks for you reply - Then I am to expect that you will not be joining us for the holidays? What are you thinking about taking part in the name exchange? Also, I am expecting that you will not take some time to pick out the material for the baby blanket - if you are not going to complete the cross stitch, please send the squares back - someone else will finish them.Love Mom
Oh, by the way, we will be gone the 24th - you have clothes from Cedar Rapids and Denver and the recliner is still there for you if you want it. The clothes are downstairs in a large suitcase (keep the suitcase - it's from Gina) and 3 large shopping bags. So you can come that week end when we are not there so you don't have to see us.
Love,Mom
So what was I expecting? That she would break? That she would give up on the old system? That she would change her mind? That all of my crazy actions would suddenly make sense to her?
I still find myself surprised that my family can't function or bear the thought that I would ask them not to talk about me behind my back. What?! I know all of the logical reasoning. But my heart won't hear any of that. My heart is like a child and it just wants my family to love me.
So let's have a toast to the tension of pressing into my new identity where God is my father while still holding the love and the pain of my earthly family.
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