Vintage

I was born in the summer of '69. I am a child of the 70s. Being such, I still enjoy music from the 70s. Yesterday I listened to some very vintage Phil Keaggy.

Yesterday also found me working with a quilt with top dating to circa 1880. I found the quilt top on ebay. I sent it with batting (filling) and backing to a machine quilter in Iowa. Yesterday I was working on the binding (finished edge). I adore old quilts, especially those that date 1910 and earlier. Sadly, quilts this old are either expensive or in poor shape. This quilt top had never been used or washed--nice, crisp fabric. Some of the dyes they used during this period were toxic to the fabric and over time cause the fabric to become quite fragile. There are many fragile fabrics on this quilt, one that ripped during quilting. Still, finishing the quilt stabilized it. It was fun examining the 75+ fabrics in my hope of accurately dating the quilt.

It was strange and wonderful to mix my personal history with this quilt's history.

Poustinia

"So many of us feel that the rest of men are looking for him where he cannot be easily found - in the comfortable life which is in itself not sinful, but which can become a sort of asphyxiation and isolation from the rest of mankind. Comfort can become an idol too."

Poustinia


I think that makes me part of "the rest of men". And yes, I know of asphyxiation and isolation. There is much in me that has yet to be set free... or at least has yet to realize it's already free state.

in silence revealed

'Have you understood all these?'
They said, 'Yes.'
And he said, 'Well then,
every scribe who becomes a disciple
of the kingdom of Heaven
is like
a householder
who brings out from his storeroom
new things
as well as old.'

Matt. 13: 51 & 52 New Jerusalem Bible.

a few things

1. I've had to change my settings to allow registered users only - can't believe I'm getting blog junkmail.

2. I'm off to my silent retreat this afternoon. I have really been looking forward to this. I'm sure the weekend will go too fast.

3. Thank you to all of you for the comments you've been leaving. Your words and support mean much to me.

Peace to you. God's peace to you.

gloria

A Permanent Trade

I broke my Sabbath rest from my family by calling my folks on Saturday.
It did not go well.
They've read the Boundaries book and think that it is an unbiblical, disrespectful, and misleading document.
They kept asking questions about who is "leading" this, and what does Peter think about this, is my friend H. involved? Mom said that as she has described it to a pastor friend he thought there was a 'stronghold' here. Mom and dad said they have never heard of anything like this ever being done (this being: a person refraining from engaging with their relations for a specified time frame). I got the impression that they think I've joined a cult.
They not only disagree with the choices I have made but claim that I have acted out these choices in the coldest, most unkind possible way.

I felt attacked.

When I (finally) got off the phone I felt the desire, even need, to be present to what is.
I processed with Pete for a while, feeling somewhat confused, numb and heavy. Then Pete said, "You are creating a circumstance where change is possible." We've talked about this concept a lot. It is very connected to both Family Systems Therapy and Liminality, where when we mess with the status quo, disrupt homeostasis, enter into times of uncertainty that it is there that we have the greatest potential to transform. But when Pete said those words to me I didn't engage with them philosophically or intellectually. I broke inside and began to sob. Suddenly I felt hope emerge from the shadows and the heavy weight of this sadness seemed worth it.

The following are excerpts from my journal entry on Aug 15th.

coming present to you means coming present to me.
I guess that's hard because it hurts in here.
I want to blog but I avoid it. So hard to put into words all that's going on in here.

I'm feeling hurt, pain, rejection, disappointment, grief.
Back to this place where anxiety is of no use - the truth is as horrible as imaginable (or nearly so). It is, not will be. I feel adrift, keep trying to find my moorings, keep trying to get concrete.

small niggling worries - that they might gang up and attack me. Right now, I just want them to leave me alone. Stay away from me!

There was always the cushion to fall back upon, "Maybe I wasn't clear. Maybe they didn't understand what I wanted." This time I was clear.

I wish that I didn't care.
I wish that it meant little to me.

On one hand I want to put to death this enmeshment, this ill dependency, to grow up and be an adult. On the other hand I don't want no relationship. I want good relationship.

They want neither of the above. They want the old ways that no longer fit or work for me. Without their cooperation a move toward good relationship is not possible.

However, I do not need their cooperation to grow up, to claim for myself new life, new ays, to move into health. I have God's help and his people's help. I have a new parent and new siblings and...

...I never wanted to replace you.
...and I am sad to say that if this was not so obvious I would be tempted to settle, to take you back as those who might give me value and love and fill my soul.
Sick.
At least part of this pain is the pain of addiction withdrawal -- I want to give up getting my value from you without actually doing so. It's like I'm going to keep shopping at the Gap but try to stop getting my value from my image -- 'yeah, good luck with that Gloria'.

They are actually helping me, by making this separation a clearly needful thing, by rejecting me, by not loving me or the things I am moving toward. This is all gift. Severe mercy. even grace - that I should get life at the cost of their death.

so I release them hoping someday we might 'meet up' on this path, or to follow their own path toward life.
I allow you to get this 'wrong'.
I release you to experiment, take risks, make mistakes, fail me, fail God, fail yourselves, fail each other.

Yes, I release my family to fail me, (oh God, I don't know if I can say it) hate me, mistreat me, misunderstand me, misuse all I have entrusted to them, revile all I hold dear, reject me and the principles I adhere to, make false claims against me, slander me, attempt to control me, use me, abuse me.

I'm really going to need a new Abba. I cling to you my Abba-God.
As it should be.
I don't just 'cling' - as if the danger might pass. Instead I move my allegiance over to you, accept my value and life from you now. A permanent trade.

bits of news

news from the yard:
We have a chubby goldfish that we put in the 50 gallon rain barrel for the summer. I was surprised to see it down two whole food pellets that I put in there. I'd always assumed that they needed to get all mushy before fishy could eat them. Fishy usually dives for the bottom whenever I come around but it was cloudy today and I don't think he noticed me. It was fun to watch him for a while.
The astilbe are absolutely scorched.
I'm sick of watering - was so glad to hear the rain last night/this morning/whenever it was.
This is the first year out of 4 that I haven't scorched the hibiscus bush upon setting it out for the summer. I gave it a hard pruning and it is full and loaded with buds - happy day.
The zinnias I planted along the garage 'over' the tulips are so lovely. They came up and bloomed in no time flat. I'm very pleased with them.
The yard is also rather scorched. The greenest parts are crabgrass.

News from the pregnant lady:
I'm horribly sick of being pregnant and still have 3 1/2 months to go. I am most definitely 'enlarged in the waiting'. I'm pretty sure that baby girl is practicing up for marching band because every day she seems to go on parade. There are other discomforts that I do not feel at liberty to share with blog land but I will say that being pregnant at 36 is rather more difficult (physically) than being pregnant at 29 was. Emotionally it seems easier - I'm better at being o.k. with whatever is going on that day and not feeling guilty or mad if it requires a slower pace. Acquaintances from church are noticing my condition, and are very excited for me. Their completely lovely and normal reaction falls on weary ground. I feel reminded of my condition about 600 times a day and usually these reminders are difficult and not exciting. At this point I want to forget that I'm pregnant and talk about something else.
In less crabby moments I find I'm wondering about this 'hidden life' and the wonderful symbol she is for the life of Christ in us: growing, enlarging us and enlarging in us, formed in darkness, separate but so dependent. Did you know that a woman's heart enlarges during pregnancy? (It has to to take care of the much increased amount of blood flowing through her veins.) What a beautiful image of what God does in us when he is growing new life within - he enlarges our hearts.

Change is hard

I've been feeling stuck lately. Depressed and stuck.

I'm still in this place of shock and anger and disbelief and doubt concerning my relationships with my family.
I can't believe things have turned out this way.
I am saddened and disgusted with what has been revealed as true.
I am angry about the years of 'no's that were never voiced, never respected, never listened to; and how nothing has changed...well, except me. I am finally learning to voice my 'no' - but it's not respected, instead it is actively disrespected.

And I doubt...
am I way off base?
why does it seem like no one else is abandoning their families?
am I crazy?
or just sinful and selfish and hurtful like they claim?
have I gone too far?
what if I'm wrong?

And I worry...
about my kids. I encouraged them to enter into loving relationship with these people and now I am cutting them off from them. Is this damaging them? (Funny thing is that you, God, do the same to me: bringing people into my life and then taking them out and I never know when and I don't often understand your timing. So I have to rest in the hope that providing a healthy mom is more important than saving them from this pain.)

and I worry about losing the respect of people that I admire. I guess that I am afraid that my immaturity shows and you see it and you think less of me for it. That's scary... cuz it might be true. I might be wrong. I know that I lack understanding. I'm guessing that if I was 'further down the path' I would be able to handle this differently, better.

I find that I compare myself to others... a lot!
if God called me here and this is right and good then why didn't he call her here, or him here?
What a dead end! What a ridiculous waste of time! I know that he is calling me to this place. Which is both relieving and terrifying. At times, I would give anything to make every one I know take this journey with me (yeah, I know, talk about bad boundaries). But I am getting closer and closer to being o.k. with the aloneness of this place. Sometimes I am very NOT o.k. with it, but other times it feels possible.

So today, as I journaled out all of my thoughts I was surprised to find that I wasn't grieving. No, I was making my case. And I was spending a lot of time writing about what I don't want. But I desire to spend more time thinking about and moving toward what I want, desire, hope for. Here's what I want:
To work together toward something new.
To have real relationship with each member of my family.
To respect each other's uniqueness, autonomy, power of choice, adulthood, separateness, journey.
To love, respect, and honor each person well.
I want to learn to trust well, from the heart.

Then I wrote this:
"Lord, as I think about what I want I realize that I am still feeling 'bound' to my family. I am also feeling the need to release them so that I can 'get on with' my journey, my desire, what I want, what you are calling me to... I do believe you've called me here. I don't understand it all. I'm sure that I'm failing here and there. I might be wrong. But these are my convictions. Right now, I need to let go of my family so that I can embrace what you are giving me."

Yeah, that's about it.

Whew! I feel unstuck.

Prayer for the Body

Grace And Peace

Written by Jill Phillips and Andy Gullahorn

All the weary, tired souls full of hunger
Needing something that fills
All the thirsty that heard about living water
Need a way to the well
It’s a strange crowd
But still somehow
The lost have been found
By the One in whose Name we come
Grace and peace to you through our Lord Jesus
Times like these we need that kind of love
To take these things coming in between us
And wash us clean with the body and the blood
Early that night just before he was taken
He broke of the bread
So we could taste that He has died, He is risen
He is coming again
And it’s much more
Than we could ask for
To be made pure
By the One in whose Name we come


"It's a strange crowd" - I love that line. I wish that I could sing this song to you, my beloved family.

Great Power

As I was driving toward home this afternoon I passed a church that has out front one of those message boards. I'm not fond of these message boards but this one had something really profound to proclaim.

The task in front is never as great as the power behind.

Wow! Now I got to thinking... I really need to get me one of these power behinds. I mean, I only have one of these old model, manual behinds. Don't get me wrong, my manual behind is great! -- if by "great" you mean "large". My butt shelf is developing nicely... soon you will be able to set your drink on it, if you happen to be stuck in line behind me, and my behind.

So I might have to visit this church. Sounds like they really have something going here. I'm so glad they advertised it on their sign.

"...when she was done, she said to me, 'You know, my eyes ain't too good at all. I can't see nothing but the general shape of things, so I got to rely on my heart. Why don't you go on and tell me everything about yourself, so as I can see you with my heart.'"
--From Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo

With sweet thoughts to all of you...
but especially to Jan and Heather B. because I know that you read this book and loved it,
to Christy for her blogging-blindness and her heart-sight,
to Jesse for loving story and reminding me that it's been too long since I've dipped my heart in the stream.

Sweet Sabbath

The following quote is from http://www.odyssey.blogs.com
A Summer Sabbath
Chris Erdman writes: It's time for a summer pause, a Sabbath's rest. My friend Ed tells of his friend, Martin (a Rabbi) who tells us that he practices Sabbath not because it is healthful and not because it is a duty, but because, "When I am old, I want to have come to believe that the world is not my responsibility. I have a role to play, but it is God's action that counts. Sabbath is my way of checking the compulsive and presumptive notion that my work is most important. Sabbath keeps me clear about God and about my role in the world. When I die I want to have gotten that right."

(bold and underline added by me)

That is just the sweetness I feel concerning my family. I have no words for prayer, nor do I believe prayer is what God is calling me to. In my listening I am attempting to follow what God is leading me to... that, for now, is Sabbath.

Confession

Watch out. This blog is what you might call "heavy".
Personal inventories, personality tests. After taking one such test Pete took great delight in finding out that my thought pattern was described as "random and web-like". Hmmm, that explains a lot! Can’t help thinking about that as I try to piece together these small bits of glass and tile. Will you be able to see the mosaic?
How strange and unexpected that in this time of learning boundaries and learning to live honestly from the heart that God would lead me into this time of confession, Sabbath, fasting.
What is the connection?
How can I express to you what is developing?
As I have tried to explain to my sisters some of my "strange-to-them" choices I used the analogy of nation. Our family is a nation with it’s own laws and police enforcement and judges, etc. I explained that I was no longer going to obey the "laws of the land". Instead, I’ve decided to follow a different set of laws. It’s been interesting, disturbing, humbling to watch God continue to develop that theme.
I began this journey stuck in the mud of self pity. "Oh! They are so mean to me!" God seems to be saying, "Go ahead! Take a nice long look at yourself! You have been having an adulterous relationship with your family. You have been prostituting yourself to them in vain hope of getting life. How has that worked out for you? And how ridiculous! You have ME, your true husband, your true father, your true source of life. Did you think I would take that sitting down? Did you think I would say, ‘Oh well.’ Is that the kind of God-lover you think I am? I love you enough to destroy your false gods. I am going to smash your old nations, I will remove you from the cities you love. And to be honest, I am really mad at you! I feel betrayed! Turn back to me, my love. Tell me the truth about what you’ve been up to. I know of your fickle heart and that you still long for your old ways, your old lovers. Trust me to teach you how to love me well. I will do it. Because you are mine… and I love you."
"Oh my God! Forgive me. I have followed in the footsteps of my ancestors. I have chosen to try and get life from my relationships with them. I have forsaken your ways, your example and followed both their poor example and my own selfish ways. I know that you are destroying these old ways. I see the sun setting on our family’s old ways - Good bye old ways. The sun is setting on the old ways I did relationship - Good bye old ways. Sometimes this feels like a desert place and I look around at all of the destruction and rubble. But I see now that this place is where the streams of abundance are! Back there, in the "good ole days" that was desert land. I see that now. The way that you’ve exposed my sin feels like a gift. I am ashamed but I am not full of shame. Instead I’m full of gratitude and humility and joy. I receive this exile with gentleness and patience. I receive this Sabbath, this rest with joy and understanding. I wait for you to bring to life in me your life. I confess that my anger has been my way of clinging to these old relationships and ways. Help me to turn from them to you. "

Leviticus 26:27-43 partial, Message
"And if this – even this! -- doesn’t work and you still won’t listen, still defy me, I’ll have had enough and in hot anger will defy you, punishing you for your sins seven times over: … I’ll turn your cities into rubble; I’ll clean out your sanctuaries; I’ll hold my nose at the "pleasing aroma" of your sacrifices… There’ll be nothing left in your land, nothing going on in your cities. With you gone and dispersed in the countries of your enemies, the land, empty of you, will finally get a break and enjoy its Sabbath years. All the time it’s left there empty, the land will get rest, the Sabbaths it never got when you lived there.
"As for those among you still alive, I’ll give them over to fearful timidity – even the rustle of a leaf will throw them into to a panic. They’ll run here and there, back and forth, as if running for their lives even though no one is after them, tripping and falling over one another in total confusion. You won’t stand a chance against an enemy. You’ll perish among the nations; the land of your enemies will eat you up. Any who are left will slowly rot away in the enemy lands. Rot. And all because of their sins, their sins compounded by their ancestors’ sins.
"On the other hand, if they confess their sins and the sins of their ancestors, their treacherous betrayal, the defiance that set off my defiance that sent them off into enemy lands; if by some chance they soften their hard hearts and make amends for their sin…I’ll remember my covenant… And I’ll remember the land.
"The land will be empty of them and enjoy its Sabbaths while they’re gone."

Nehemiah 9:1-2 Message
The People of Israel gathered for a fast, wearing burlap and faces smudged with dirt as signs of repentance. The Israelites broke off all relations with foreigners, stood up and confessed their sins and the iniquities of their parents.

Jeremiah 3:12-14 Message
"’Turn back, fickle Israel.
I’m not just hanging back to punish you.
I’m committed in love to you.
My anger doesn’t seethe nonstop.
Just admit your guilt.
Admit your God-defiance.
Admit to your promiscuous life with casual partners,
pulling strangers into the sex-and-religion groves
While turning a deaf ear to me.’"
GOD’s Decree.
"Come back, wandering children!"
GOD’s Decree.
"I, yes I, and your true husband."

Romans 10:5-10 partial, Message
But trusting God to shape the right living in us is a different story.
The word that saves is right here
as near as the tongue in your mouth,
as close as the heart in your chest.
It’s the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God – "Jesus is my Master" – embracing, body and soul, God’s work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That’s it. You’re not "doing" anything; you’re simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That’s salvation. With your whole being you embrace God settings thins right, and they you say it, right out loud: "God has set everything right between him and me!"

In Better Homes and Gardens I recently read this definition for change: to exchange for something else. Indeed!

I've been angry a lot lately. Really angry. Not that it really shows. No one's asking me, "why are you so angry?"
But the anger makes me tired. I think (but am not certain) that the anger is stemming from unresolved conflicts. Everywhere I look I see them. And I want to resolve them but I don't know what to do. From this chair tonight I do not see how.
The other day I was just walking around the house when I realized, "hey, I'm really mad. I'm mad at mom and friend." (friend shall remain anonymous.) I decided to journal. I was no further than a sentence in when I realized that I was fighting myself to be honest about my anger. So after giving myself permission to let it fly... it did. It really flew. with plenty of nice swear words for added lift.
For a long time the writing was about my mom, but after I'd gotten all of that off my chest I strangely found myself venting simultaneously about my sister and my friend (there's no real world connection here). I kept using they and found that I was feeling so betrayed by their actions and how they were attacking something precious to me.
And all of the sudden... it clicked! It was my actions that created this mess! They were all very happy indeed with the relationships we had. I was the one who needed something different and moved toward it. From their angle it was me that betrayed them, it was me that attacked something precious to them. Suddenly I was on the other side of the river! And for a day I felt o.k. For a day all trace of victim mentality was gone and I felt strong with the power of personal choice.
Since then I see myself cycling (not on a bike). Anger, sadness or something else rises -- I move into it -- something new emerges.
But generally speaking I am still really angry. In my head I say the F word a lot. Sometimes anger masks sadness. Sometimes sadness masks anger. The reality is that I have a whole lot to be angry about -- so right now it is through angry-land I go.

Crazy for Summer

As a couple, Pete and I aren't "spur of the moment" types. But, in the spirit of desiring to actually live life we struck out on two rather unplanned adventures this weekend.

Saturday we left at 2:30 pm for Gooseberry Falls State Park. I have been wanting to show the kids Lake Superior - so even though it was late in the day we packed some sandwiches and drinks and off we went. The drive was tedious but the adventure was great. I dangles my feet in the rushing water while Pete chased the kids over the rocks at the base of middle falls. It amuses me that Pete has to do things he wouldn't choose to do on his own but because he fears for our children's safety he chases after them on their adventure. Sometimes our children help us to loosen up and live. What in the heck happened to us? Why did we give up so many things that make life worth living? "Oh no, we might get wet, or hot, or slip and scrape our shins!!"
After the falls we took the hike down to lake superior. I love gentle hikes. More challenging hikes are welcome too - just not in my current condition - sometimes I get winded standing still. When hiking we usually carry a fanny-pack that has water bottle attachments, but in our spontaneous mode we hadn't thought of that so we were without water and I was getting really thirsty. Just as a cloud of regret began to darken the skyline we came to the end of our trail and behold... a water fountain! What unexpected provision - hurray!
We popped out where the river (don't know the name of it) empties into Lake Superior. It seemed like a protected little bay area. Steep cliffs off to one side, the sun setting behind us in the river valley. Beautiful! The kids began looking for interesting rocks - we stayed and enjoyed it all for a while. On our way back up the trail we saw a deer eating from the river below - completely unafraid.
The drive home was late - we didn't arrive home until nearly midnight. I was struggling to stay awake - to keep Pete company - I wasn't driving thankfully.

Today we left even later, 4 pm to go to William O'Brien State Park - a much shorter drive, only 50 minutes. "We paid for a State Park pass, and by golly we're going to get our money's worth!" No, the real reason is even more ludicrous. I was looking for a lake we could swim in that would allow noodles and floaties and such. The beach at William O'Brien is sandy and well groomed. The water was delightfully warm and shallow, which is great for playing with the kids. Olivia is such a go-getter. She spent the entire time trying out new moves. "Mommy, Daddy watch me do this!" We had to coax Gunnar out of the shallow-shallows into the to-his-chest shallows. After that he was talking about what a big kid he is. We had a wonderful swim.

We took risks. We got hot. We got wet. We saw beautiful things. We breathed sweet air. We ate car sandwiches, dairy queen, and cheetos. We had a wonderful weekend.

Clinging

I can't seem to shake this sadness. There's one part of me that is desperate to do this, shake it. I'm tempted toward anger, revenge, being a victim, despair... anything but simply feeling this sadness. This part of me tends to think of this experience in terms of darkness, cruelty, "the end", hopelessness.
But there's this other piece, thankfully. The blogger from Sleeping with bread left this comment on Jan's site yesterday, ". . . staying the journey . . . trusting that this darkness, this tragic time, is also light unimaginable . . ." I have been clinging to this since reading it yesterday. This part of me knows that this place is very sad but also full of hope, that it feels like death but is full of life, that this place seems dark and scary but is full of light unimaginable.
It's like these two parts are having a tug-of-war within me. I'm tired.
And sad.

I wasn't expecting Dave's sermon on Sunday to hit home. I knew that he would be speaking on "when God is silent". (I can't even say that phrase without saying it in a drawn out, southern baptist preacher style, "when Gooooood is silenttt!") But it came home like a gift, a spot of light in this dark place. I feel God calling me out of the unhealthy attachment that I have with my family. In some ways this "fast" chose me - in the way that my family has given me their "no" and in the way that they have excluded me. But now I'm feeling God call me out of this "poor me" place. Now he seems to be asking me to also choose this fast - for the purpose of loosening my ties with this family and strengthening my ties with him. So we spent some time together yesterday - this was the passage I was led to: "The land will be empty of them and enjoy its Sabbaths while they're gone." Lev 26:43. Very funny! Really helpful for two reasons. #1 - it helps to look at this time apart as an enjoyable rest instead of a stripping away. #2 - it's very interesting to note that the Israelites had not been giving the land it's proper rest, nor have I been giving myself a proper "rest" from these family ways - which is part of the unhealth.

God is present. As close as the air I breath. I chose not to run from this sadness. Yet I also choose to keep my face to the light.

too many fish

So many fishies in the bowl
swimming, swimming
fast in a circle
a small whirlpool is created
but nothing escapes
the bowl
try again tomorrow

Trusting Soul

My fantastic friend Ruth has loaned me yet another fine book (she's the one who loaned my the Anne Lamott book). This one is by an Iowan named Brian Andreas. The book is Trusting Soul and is filled with drawings and poetry. I want to share a few of my favorites.


Listening for the Future

I'm on my way to the
future, she said & I
said, But you're just
sitting there listening
& she smiled & said,
It's harder than you'd
think with all the noise
everyone else is making


Before Dawn

I've always liked
the time before
dawn because there's
no one around to
remind me who I'm
supposed to be so it's
easier to remember
who I am.


Magic

this is a magical beast
that holds the secret of
lights & shadow in a
safe place in her heart
& when it has been too
long grey, she starts to
dance & laugh & cry & sing
& the sunlight fills her
up & spills in wild abandon
back into the world again


Soccer

What are the rules?
I said & he said you
run & you run & you
run until you fall
over. There's a couple
others in there for
variety, he added, but
that's the main one.

I think that I would rename this last one Life. At least that is the way I've lived it... up till now.

If you want more info their web address is www.storypeople.com

Family

Monday evening was the Spiritual Direction summer potluck. We met to reconnect, review Ester de Waal's book "Pause at the Threshold", seek God together, be alone together. For me it was a family reunion. One that I wanted to go to. One that I was glad I had gone to.

Right now relations with my biological family are... (hmm, can't think of just the right word). Disconnected. Painful. Messed up. Unhealthy. Broken. Not there.

You see, I've been reading this subversive book by Cloud and Townsend called "Boundaries". I asked my family to have direct relationship with me, instead of "kind of" having relationship with me by finding out about me from another family member. I asked them not to talk about me with each other. These are not the only treasonous things I have done but these are the ones that have of late sealed my exclusion. They believe my requests to be unthinkable, unloving, un-Christ-like, selfish and hurtful. I believe my request to be reasonable, healthy, personally needed. We're at a bit of an impasse. They are hurting. So am I. Right now it is hard to see how this will get better.

So Monday's family reunion was a gift. I am not alone. I am provided for. I have family that loves and accepts me. I have family that allows me to take my own journey - wherever that may lead me. We together and alone seek God and celebrate that pursuit. Our time together was beautiful.

There was one sad note - two of my brothers were missing. Jeff O. and Dave S. - we missed you, you are a part of us.

Brain Freeze

Sometimes we use the phrase "brain freeze" to refer to the sharp headache we get when we eat our ice cream too quickly. For me it has a second meaning.

You see, these Minnesota winters are so long and cold that I believe that small parts of my brain actually freeze over. One frozen part of my brain is the part that should remember what a sunburn feels like and how to actually avoid that feeling. But, alas, the injury is part of the cure. All that sweet hotness has scorched my fair skin but has also melted my frozen brain.

Here's to ice cream, popsicles, swimming pools, hot sun, and cool breezes. Oh yes, and a big spray can of Solarcaine. Happy summer to you!

New friends

An ache of homesickness came over me, for our old life before Sam's
blood got funky, for the sweet functional surface of that life, for the stuff
and routine that hold me together, or at least that I believe hold me together.
That's the place I like to think of as reality. Maybe it's full of lusts and
hormones and yearnings for more, more, more, and maybe it is all about clutching
and holding and tightness, but I just love it to pieces and it was where I
wanted to be.

From Anne Lamott's book Traveling Mercies

They are the songs of a people who were moving away from a known situation
into the unknown, and they were often angry with a God who removed all those
certainties, who instead seemed to be leading them along an apparently
precarious path. They did not sit down for long beside gently flowing
streams or
linger in lush meadows. When we pray the psalms as they did, we,
too, are
compelled to stay "at the raw edge," in the words of Walter
Brueggemann.
There comes a time when the things that were undoubtedly good
and right in
the past must be left behind, for these is always the danger
that they might
hinder us from moving forward and connecting with the
one necessary thing,
Christ himself.
Insecurity makes certitude
attractive, and it is in times like these that I
want to harness God to my
preferred scheme of things, for it is risky to be so
vulnerable.

From Esther de Waal's book To Pause at the Threshold.

Esther and Anne are my new best friends. Esther lives on the border land between England and Wales - I'm moving there next week. (not really). Anne is naughty and funny and honest in all the best ways. Funny how God provides people and encouragement at just the right time, and these people don't always show up in the flesh. Some day I will meet these women - that will be sweet!

Junior

We got to have an ultrasound for baby today. How wonderful. Pete was there and so where Livy and Gunnar. We had it done at the Northside Life Center in Minneapolis, the clinic that I have just now begun to go to for prenatal care. It was sort of like ultrasound lite. The technician is just learning the ropes and they don't get real technical - sort of just for funsies. And it was fun. It's nice to see that the baby has arms, legs, hands, feet, a little heart that beats, ... all the necessary equipment for life. It was punching around, moving those little tiny arms and legs. We got to bring some strange non-baby looking photos home. We were sooooo hoping to find out the sex but junior wouldn't cooperate, plus junior's a bit young for the exam anyway. We found out that according to the baby's size I'm probably almost 17 weeks instead of almost 18 weeks - I had guessed that was the case. So now we can expect to meet junior close to Thanksgiving Day.
I did find out that we will get the real ultrasound down at Fairview Riverside around 20 weeks. Hurrah! We would still love to find out the sex of the baby!

Baby Talk

I promised to blind you with baby blather. I have not delivered! (tee hee) Let me rectify my gross negligence.

Seriously now. I am full of ambivalence about this baby experience. I have already had two babies yet as I look at a pregnant woman I am disconnected with her experience. Sometimes I see a pregnant woman and think, "Dang! She looks so uncomfortable!" Other times seeing a pregnant woman stirs up desire to experience that new life growing in me again. But now I am pregnant and I realize that I have forgotten so much.

1. My whole body is changing, not just my belly. (I could go into great detail here but will spare you that.)
2. I live with the wonder of new life growing in me - a real person being created in me - and the real possibility that this life won't make it - that this life might (and will, at some point) die. I am now bound to this life. I watch with amazement and fear. Who will this unique new person be? Will there be ten little fingers and ten little toes? Will the brain work well? Will I recognize the finger prints of God?
3. Maternity clothes stink. They are big and small in all the wrong places. Maternity bodies change weekly, so even if you manage to find a pair of pants that fit well, by next Thursday they won't. I think that maternity style should consist of large, hawaiian print moo-moos. At this moment I am wearing an old pair of shorts I use when I'm painting. It was all I could find that wasn't in the laundry, wasn't pajamas, wasn't too hot, and fit. Aaaarrrrgggh!
4. When Gunnar was born Olivia was nearly two. We loved her so much and couldn't imagine loving another little person as much as we loved her. But then Gunnar showed up and we did love him. It wasn't one bit hard. Olivia used to stand at my knees crying whenever I nursed Gunnar. It was difficult for her to understand what this new person was doing in her place, with her mommy. This time Olivia and Gunnar are aware and excited. They are constantly coming up with the most endearing and surprising thoughts about the baby. It's wonderful to share this experience with them. And yet... I find that I am grieving the loss of the four of us. Sometimes this new life is like a foreign invader, wrecking our nice little family, home and life. This summer is for me a celebration of the four of us - enjoying what we can do together and what we mean to each other. Sometimes I feel so sad about this change. But I'm guessing that once jr. shows up it won't be long before we won't be able to imagine life without him/her.

Thanks for listening. Your comments and experiences are welcome.

Order up!

We have only three bedrooms. Pete and I share one (can you believe it?). That left one for each of our two little people. But now number 3 is on the way. Hmmm. What shall we do? Well in the old days people actually put more than one child in each bedroom - "What!? Is that legal?" I shared a room with my sister for most of my growing up years but it seemed absolutely wierd to bunk my two kids together. Olivia is seven (just) and Gunnar is five, not of the same gender. Even wierder. But it seemed the logical solution because Gunnar's room (downstairs) is much larger than Olivia's, whereas Olivia's smaller room is right next to our bedroom - convenient for those night-time feedings. We asked Olivia if she wanted to wait until the end of the summer to make the move but she said she wanted to do it now.

Wow. That was a lot of preamble. All of that to say that after the bunk bed was purchased, shelves made and painted and all of the toys sorted through and pared down, today, finally, the move is official. Whew! We finally have our family room back! Hurrah!

Not only that but I actually cleaned the downstairs bathroom! Plus, I'm part way into the upstairs bathroom with full commitment to finish once this blog is done. I had almost forgotten what a white toilet looked like (did that scare you?).

Order is once again returning to the Carlson household - at least in the cleanliness category.

Green

Drink it in. Soak it up. I can't get enough. It's so good. Very, very good.

We went camping this weekend - all four and a half of us. We love to go to Ann Lake Campground up by Big Lake - Zimmerman. It's a state forest campground and it is rather primitive and woodsy and wonderful. I don't need running water (there's a pump) and I don't want a shower house, nor a pool (there's a tiny beach complete with many weeds and sand burrs). I don't even want a playground or fishing pier . To have these amenities you usually have to put up with crowds and noise and close quarters. I'm looking for nature and quiet and birds I've never seen before (we saw 2 different types). We went on hikes and the kids went "swimming" - which consisted of running in and out of the water. Mostly we just slowed down and spent a lot of time together. It rained Saturday morning and our tent didn't leak one bit - a great improvement over last years model. Pete took the kids fishing on Saturday afternoon while I enjoyed a fantastic nap! We love to cook on when we camp. Only lunches are prepackaged. For breakfast we cook up pancakes or french toast, bacon or sausage, and eggs. For supper we had steaks on the fire, mashed potatoes and green beans. It's fun and challenging to cook out there in the woods. Pete and I enjoy our little routine - why is it that doing the dishes is fun in the woods but hated in our house? Ah, who cares! Let's go camping!

Yesterday the weather was perfect and I worked in the garden the entire day. My aching muscles are the proof. After a long time of feeling pregnant sick it felt so good to work hard.

The chartreuse green of the new leaves and the wonderful smell of earth and new growth bring me alive. Thank you God for the gift of spring.

scrap quilting

I love scrap quilts. God seems to piece together little scraps from here and there to create something bigger. A la this blog.

Chris Fossum has written a book with a subtitle something like this: "What if God designed your marriage to make you holy instead of happy." I'm intrigued! I get hung up on the word "holy". Too many old church connotations. So for my purposes today for the word holy I want to think of it in terms of wholeness, restoration, or becoming fully human, fully Christ-like. So with that in mind, what if everything in my life is God designed to bring about my growth, my restoration instead of just pleasing me or blessing me? So much to think about. So many places to apply this. This is patch #1.

For patch #2 I'm thinking about something pastor dave johnson said yesterday. We are currently talking about the gifts of the Spirit. One category of gifts is the office gifts. This gift is a person. A person given by God to the church for the purpose of equipping the saints for service. The authority the person holds is given by God, not self claimed authority nor given by position or other men. I kept thinking of Jesus while he was talking about this gift/office. Jesus was given to us by God. His authority was from God. And he came to lead and to serve and to show us how to live.

Patch #3 is really just a new patch made by combining patch #1 and #2. What if this pregnancy and this new baby aren't (just) for my blessing, for my happiness? What if this is all designed to make me whole? What if this sickness, this enlarging, this birthing are given to draw me into deeper dependence? What if that sweet new baby and those harsh, draining first few months aren't opposed to one another? What if both of them are given for my restoration? What if the baby isn't given to me, but instead I am given as a gift to the baby? Am I given the authority, the office of parenthood by God for the purpose of equipping these small saints for service, for life with God. Maybe I'm given to lead, to serve and to show them how to live.

Pete, my man, gleaned this quote from Jim Wallace of Sojourners off of a radio broadcast not long ago. "Your vocation is where your gift meets the crushing needs of the world." (Every time I read this I feel the need to pause for a minute of silence.) Sometimes as I look at the crushing needs of the world I want to throw my hands up in despair and say, "It's just too big! What can I do that would even matter?" But the other side of this coin is so hopeful. I don't have to do it all. We are the body. We, each of us, have a gift to give. I can give my gift.

Right now my world in a lot of ways is rather small. I'm a stay at home mom taking care of this home and these little people. But any of you who have cared for brand new people or little people know that their needs at times become crushing. I am in need of the Spirit's gifting. I think God might think this office is really important. I am so grateful that my God is lavish in his gift giving.