The other new ones

Here are the other English Roses I'm planting. They will all look this fantastic I'm sure!

Charlotte

Glamis Castle

L.D. Braithwaite

Heritage

I'm in love with Abraham Darby

No, not the industrial revolutionary! The rose, silly! The rose pictured above is a David Austin English Rose named Abraham Darby. Lovely, no? Pete has agreed to help me dig up the landscape rocks and rip out the evergreen bushes. Then we will improve the soil. All to get ready for the arrival of the new rose bushes. I've been dreaming of doing this for 3 or 4 years. I've never grown roses so I really don't know what I'm doing. To make matters worse five out of the seven roses I've ordered are these English Roses which are technically hardy only to zone 5 (we are zone 4). I'm hoping they make it through our nasty winters. But when I have a chance to grow roses as beautiful as Abraham Darby... seriously, I couldn't resist.

reticence

This blog has been a long time coming. And it will be long in the telling as well. To begin I need to go back my journal entry of August 27, 2005. Here are some exerpts:

O.K. Here's the deal. Finding Open Door was like finding safe haven. [I began coming to Church of the Open Door in the fall of 1990.] I had found a place that allowed me to enter many places that were previously off limits, not allowed. Freedom. I began to grow. Stinky, rotten spots began to get necessary attention and healing. As I grew I walked further down new paths of grace, healing , spirit life, kingdom life.
In the Fall of 2003 I went to a spiritual direction information meeting. I was drawn to it by the vague, mysterious words printed in the bulletin. That evening and that year of being in a spiritual direction group felt like coming home, or unexpectedly finding a hidden treasure. What a strange and beautiful thing hidden in this tiny corner of Open Door. It seemed to me like a new way of community, the way I'd been wanting.
In the Fall of 2004 I led a spiritual direction group and entered the class. My world, my God, my sight seemed to explode with newness, bigness, new understanding. It was all more than I could soak up, better than I'd ever dreamed. Hard, good, challenging, freeing. Look back. What a long we've come! The spiritual direction community has become dear to me, my family.
And now... what?
uncertainty - does Open Door still value spiritual direction? or was that something Jan held?
sadness - this is simply where my heart is, where my passion and hope lie.
I can't help feeling overwhelming love and gratitude to God and to Open Door for all this church has been to me for the past 15 years. I so hope and pray that God continues to move in and through them. May His Kindgom come. May we become the cooperative body of Christ. But as for me...?
I'm not sure. If spiritual direction, meditation, holy listening, new monastic remains as something important to Open Door... would I stay? I feel as if we've lost our shepherd. Jan spoke a different language than most, or all of us. Without her we would need other "foreign" tongues. We come from an unbalanced tradition that is heavy on head knowledge and the preached word. I feel desirous for entering into and experiencing new/different ways of knowing God. Who at Open Door can lead me in to that? And even if Open Door does continue a spiritual direction community I wonder about experiencing the new way/new thing with Jan. I love her shepherd/pastor heart. I want community in this new way. I want to enter in to transformation - 'cause this new thing will call it out.
But I will so miss this church that I love.
Grief.
[Then I read from Open Door's Kingdom Next publication]
"From 1993-2003 was a season of pioneering uncharted land for a permanent home."
When I first read that I said to myself, "No they weren't! We were church of the Open Sore. We were all crying in the bleachers." But it seemed you said, "Take another look."
"From 1993-2003 was a season of pioneering uncharted land for a permanent home."
I've been speaking of paths and land and finding home - I just always assumed it was at Open Door.
"We are now in a new season which began in 2003 as occupiers of our new home."
What!?! that's when I 'came home' to spiritual direction!
"Each season requires a leadership structure to meet the needs of the organization. While the former leadership structures suited us well, we've simply outgrown them. Corporately, our needs changed when we moved from renters to owners to occupiers."
Holy God, I know these words were written with different intentions but I see you in them, my own story in them, this new church in them.
"Now that we are occupiers, it's time to rebuild the church inside the building. We are in a time of transition and adjustment for where we are going in the long term."
"All of this speaks to where we believe God is calling us to go and who we believe God is calling us to be. We might not be there yet, but it's where we want to go, and it's where we think we are headed."

I knew right then that I had a 'yes' to Jan and Bob's new venture. I held these words and thoughts in my heart until Pete had his own time of discernment. Pete also came up with a 'yes' -- so since then we've been holding our hope, joy, grief, and tension.

But now, it's time to move. Our last time at Open Door as a family will be Good Friday. (I will still have some spiritual direction meetings to attend.) We still have two more Sundays at Open Door. You will find me blubbering in the back, right section of the sanctuary, 9 am service. Stop by for a hug and a farewell. Bring tissues. Saying goodbye to this dear place is heart wrenching. Seeing many that I know, that I have served with, many that I love... it's bitter sweet.

It's lovely having this place of connection, this blog-land. Most of you here in blog land are not people I knew through Open Door - even if you attended there. I'm glad for that just now.
Thanks for reading.

gloria

Seeking to trust

"In spiritual direction... the Holy Spirit continues to function and be perceived as both the teacher and the source of grace and power. We remain dependent on grace, seek to cooperate with the Spirit, and resist any illusions about our ability to be our true selves without God's help. Intentionally giving our attention to God is both the beginning and the end goal of spiritual dirction. We are not seeking change per se. We are seeking God, seeking fuller communion with the Holy Spirit, and seeking to trust God for and in whatever unfolds."
Jeannette Bakke ~ Holy Invitations
(bold added by me)


As it is with spiritual direction, let it be with all of my life... seeking to trust God for and in whatever unfolds.

blog-worthy? you decide

I've been away for a while. I just don't feel I'm coming up with anything blog-worthy. I decided I would give you a few bits of my day.

1. I really like feeding Tally. I mix up a bottle of formula and then go into her room. If she's awake then I say, "Hello!" in a high pitched, baby friendly way. I am awarded with a wrinkled nose, curled tongue, wide mouthed, dimpled face, amazing smile. It makes my day. Then we snuggle up in the old lime green, velveteen chair, adding the pink chenille pillow for support. It is pure delight to hold close this warm and wiggly baby. Unless another family member joins us, it's usually quiet. It's her and me, snuggled close. Mmmm. Yummy!

2. Today at breakfast time I put on the Blues Brothers soundtrack and entertained Livy and Gunnar with my movements (you might call it dancing). Livy was soon doing her own dancing. I thought, "I should do this crazy music thing more often."

3. Peter hates cilantro. I LOVE it! Passionately. Just the smell of it thrills me. My friend Vonda HATES it. My friend Emily LOVES it. So maybe cilantro is one of those things, like curling your tongue - you either have a gene for it or you don't. ???

goodbye old beast

Last night my lover said to me, "Do you want to wash or dry?"

We are getting a new dishwasher. Pete opted to remove the old one and install the new one himself. We get the new one tomorrow (Tuesday) so Pete decided to remove the old one Saturday - in case of any problems.

We'd washed up all the dirty dishes just before disconnecting the old beast, but by Sunday eve we had a nice pile-up next to the sink. "So, do you want to wash or dry?"

I didn't even know how to start. I kept looking around the kitchen trying to figure out how to begin. Befuddled. Pete suggested rinsing first. OK, rinse! Yes! I rinsed everything that needed it and made large stacks to the right of the sink with overflow going to the table. Pete washed off the counter to the left of the sink. I filled the sink with scalding water and soap, donned the yellow rubber gloves and started with the baby bottles, the glasses and an argument.

Yes, we were arguing. But then we moved on to talk of other things. It was all so strangely familiar -- yet we had not engaged in this activity together for quite a long time. Each place we have lived during our married life together has had a dishwasher. But much of our growing up years we were the disherwasher. Pete's family had a disherwasher for a time when he was eight or so. We got our first dishwasher when I was 16. Pete said that he often did the dishes by himself. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. Dishwashing was never a solitary time. I remember plenty of soap fights and towel snapping. I'm sure there was singing too. And lots of talking. I had forgotten what this mundane practice made space for.

Pete had to leave for Volleyball before we were finished. As he left he said, "It was nice doing dishes with you." Yes, it was.

~~~
Today I swept out the hole where the dishwasher goes. You can see a bit of the original (1980) vinyl that's under the new (2001) tile. I showed it to Livy and Gunnar. Livy said, "Oh! it's beautiful! It looks like a floor a princess would have!" Huh?! It's brown and tan and highly patterned 70s looking vinyl! Kids are great! I was priming some baseboards this weekend and Gunnar was hoping that the top coat would be red! He wants to paint his bedroom black. They are funny! I really do think they would enjoy living in a rainbow colored house.

~~~
Pete just called and said they will be delivering the new dishwasher tomorrow morning between 7 and 9! Hurrah!

Old photo

My sister Gina recently sent me this photo. She's been converting old slides into digital images. This was taken at Grandma and Grandpa Herrmann's house. You can see the daisies that always grew next to the house. Gina and I are just 13 months apart. I'm the one on the right. We look so different. We used to joke that Mom and Dad found Gina in a ditch and decided to take her home for their own.

Individually, we forget what we do matters. Collectively, it always counts for something. ~MaryJane Butters

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

I'll meet you there."

~Rumi

Spiritual Community

On Monday evening I went to the spiritual direction leadership group. It's been nearly 3 months since I was there (maternity leave). The night was filled with the lavish grace of God's presence. It is so sweet when we come together, listen well to each other's stories, meditate on scripture, prayerfully notice where God is at work and wonder together at what might be upcoming. It still surprises me when I see God weave a common thread through all we are hearing, seeing, saying. Oh, I have sooo missed this community. As we closed the evening with prayer I came undone. My heart overflowed with tears. I love this way of being together.

a heart of gold

Baby is starting to fuss so I don't know how much time I'll have. I often feel as if I'm playing "Concentration" and my time is nearly up.

In my last blog I wrote, "I like to believe that I'm beyond all of this preformance driven pointlessness. These fires have proved that it is not so." Then in my reading I came across this:

I Peter 1:6-7
I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffereing comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.

After I read that I realized that I think that my heart is bad. I look at trials as hard times that will reveal my rotten heart. Underneath my surface mask lies immaturity, sin, meanness, faithlessness, anger. Aggravations expose me as a fake, a sinner. They expose my immaturity. At least, that's the belief I've been operating under. No wonder I resist challenges.

But this verse seems to imply something far different. What goes into the fire doesn't come out stinking. It comes out clean, and pure, and refined. Something good is exposed. Now what if I believed that. What if I went into trials, went through trials, looking for the good to be exposed, certain I would find it.

And yet trials do expose my sin and need of Christ. But not only my lack, and perhaps not primarily my lack.

This all reminds me of reading John Eldridge a few years back. He claims that our hearts are good. One Sunday, in my position as usher, I was welcoming those entering the sanctuary. As I looked into those faces my own heart was nearly exploding with joy, "My heart is GOOD! My heart is GOOD!"

Yes, indeed, a heart of pure gold.

Begin again

Jan 2, 2006. Breath in the day.

On new year's eve we took some time at the dinner table to reminisce about the year 2005. We had begun by asking our kids what they liked best about 2005 and what they hoped for 2006. That turned out to be a recap of presents received this Christmas and presents hoped for in the coming year -- of course! We began to go over the events and experiences of the past year. It was amazingly catharthic to do so. 2005 was a real wing-dinger. It was lovely to think about the little summer trips we took. We remembered where we celebrated birthdays and where we would like to celebrate them this year. It was good to name the changes that have taken place, such as Pete's job change, Gunnar starting school and, of course, the addition of sweet baby Tally.

And yet, I feel pressure to downplay the magnitude of events that took place and to minimize the effects these events had on us. It is cool to be cool. Right?

Judy Hougen's recent Christmas Meditation blog spoke to me. www.emergentself.blogspot.com
She wrote, "Just the tyranny of an unattainable ideal. A world far more tidy than the one I inhabit." Oh, yes! I realized that I have been hiding, masking, white-washing my reality.

Then Matt www.mattiasandtwine.blogspot.com posted a link to a site that included this:
"We are fantastically worried about our status as cultural outsiders. We want to be in. We want to be relevant. But we know we are out. We fear we are irrelevant." And I commented, "We? Funny, I got to thinking it was just me. Feels good to be reminded - like I can be friends with my friends again."

Ah, to be vulnerable. To be honest and real. To face one's reality and not run, nor cover, nor tidy up.

There were amazing good and deep things of God in and amongst all of the good and hard of this past year. I do NOT desire to minimize his Life in my life. Nor do I want to fail to notice Him in ALL of life. But my point here is that I do not desire to use flimsy god platitudes as bandages for the pain in my life or as attempts to appear less messy to those around me. This year was damn hard. The harder and messier it got, the more I pasted on the fake smile. Or if I leaked truth, then I imagined disapproval.

I like to believe that I'm beyond all of this preformance driven pointlessness. These fires have proved that it is not so. Yet I have noticed that there are tiny spots of ease. Many times this year I have reminded myself to "be present to what IS". That in turn has given me the freedom to go gently with myself and others, and to do what I might need to do, like take a nap.

I want to begin again. I want to release myself to be myself. I want to create space for those around me to do the same. O.K. self, be released. Ding. You are free to move about the country.

Bits

I've used up nearly all of my naptime blogging, so I thought I might as well use the rest of it actually posting something. Here are some random bits.

1. Yesterday was victorious! I had both a shower AND a nap! (that never happens.)

2. Tally pees and poops on us more than the other two combined. I think that she actually holds it until I open her diaper up. Of course her wipes are freezing cold - that might have something to do with it... but still!!! The other day I was bent over her little self trying to get all of the poop out of her unbelievably long crack when - Blamo!! - she loosed the cannons! There was poop all across the changing table, on both the new and the old diaper, on the bars of the changing table, on the wall behind the changing table, on the window, the window trim, on the CURTAIN!, on the dresser next to the changing table, on the monitor, and on the wall behind the dresser! Oh my gosh! That's three feet away from the little pooper's butt - amazing! I was lucky that I yanked my head back upon hearing the explosion - I nearly took it in the face.

3. This year we've cut back the Christmas cookie line-up to two essentials and two well-loved alternates. We simply cannot do without our frosted butter cookies and our thumbprint cookies. They are divine. We also made some russian tea cakes and some chocolate drizzled macaroons. Was it bad for me to follow the poop story with a food story?

4. Livy and Gunnar are sooo excited about Christmas - they like to say how many days are left until Christmas - every time they do I feel a little panic. We have much to do to get ready. We're hosting Pete's family here for Christmas eve. Sort of looking forward to that but also recognizing that I have a fair amount of anxiety related to that eve - still processing that. On Christmas morning it will be just the five of us. We will open presents and enjoy a fancy breakfast. Christmas evening will be spent with some friends - that will be lovely.

5. Yesterday the sky was light grey and the snow was falling slowly and softly. It reminded me of my time at Pacem in Terris... and then I realized that it was last December that I first went to Pacem. It felt sweet to remember my time there and to pray for all those lovely people at Pacem.

6. Time's up. Have to go nurse the baby. Oh dat sweet baby!

Tribute

Dearest Jan, this one's for you. I have been camped on this passage for a while - every time I read it I think of you.

Joshua 1:1-9 (in part)

After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses' assistant:
"Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I'm giving to the People of Israel. I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on--just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River--all the Hittite country--and then west to the Great Sea. It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you . I won't give up on you; I won't leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. ...Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with your every step you take."

I have trusted you as my leader and have been led to places strange and wonderful, new and full of life. My heart overflows with gratitude to God and to you.

You have been pastor, shepherd, mentor, and friend. I feel choking sadness in seeing you leave. Yet in me there is also great joy. For you, I feel gladness that something planted long ago is now bearing fruit. And joy for me as well because my heart is with you and I trust you still.

Bless you Jan... and thank you.

Hello again

Are you still there?

I haven't much time but I wanted to say something. I miss you all. I miss me too. This current life is hard. In two days we will have made it through one whole month.

Here are the quick details for those of you who haven't heard.
Talia Grace was born November 17, 2005 at 7:43 AM, 9 lbs. 5 oz., 21 inches. More about that later.

Three quotes that are rumbling round in these dark days.

God's great love and purposes for us are worked out in the messes, storms and sins, blue skies, daily work, and dreams of our common lives, working with us as we are and not as we should be.
Eugene Peterson Intro to Joshua, The Message

God meets us in the ordinary and extraordinary occurrences that make up the stuff of our daily lives.
Eugene Peterson Intro to the History Books, The Message

I must learn to have both 'everyday' and Your Day in the same exercise. In devoting myself to the works of this world, I must learn to give myself to You, to possess You, the one and only thing, in everything. ...In You, all that has been scattered is reunited; in Your Love all the diffusion of the day's chores comes home again to the evening of Your unity...
Karl Rahner (bold added by me)

I have been trying to find God in the midst of all of this - which has seemed difficult, or impossible. It was good to find the Rahner quote and to change my action to giving and possessing.

More later.

I welcome your prayers.

Slowly, Silently

I recognized today my desire for communion. For community. I said to God, "I want to build it, like a house, and live in it and enjoy it." At first this seemed a bit selfish to me. Then I read this and began to wonder if this "house" might provide shelter for more than myself. Mmmm. Delightful wondering.
And yet this growth is like the slowness of the silent, forest day. The sun rises, the soft needles drift down, the branches sway, perhaps rain drips down. Nothing noisy, eventful, dramatic happens. Gentle rhythms are the main event. Slowly, silently - growth is happening.


Living things need an appropriate climate in order to grow and bear fruit. If they are to develop to completion, they require an environment that allows their potential to be realized. The seed will not grow unless there is soil that can feed it, light to draw it forth, warmth to nurture and moisture that unlocks its vitality. Time is also required for its growth to unfold.
... Meditation is the attempt to provide the soul with the proper environment in which to grow and become. In the lives of people like St. Francis or St. Catherine of Genoa one gets a glimpse of what the soul is able to become. Often this is seen as the result of heroic action lying beyond the possibility of ordinary people. The flowering of the human soul, however, is more a matter of the proper psychological and spiritual environment than of particular gifts or disposition or heroism. How seldom we wonder at the growth of the great redwood from a tiny seed dropped at random on the littered floor of the forest. From one seed is grown enought wood to frame several hundred houses. The human soul has seed potentional like this if it has the right environment. Remember that only in a few mountain valleys were the conditions right for the Sequoia gigantea, the mighty redwood, to grow.
... For both the seed and the soul, these things all take time. In both cases there is need for patience. Most of us know enough not to poke at the seed to see if it is sprouting, or to try to hurry it along with too much water or fertilizer or cultivation. The same respect must be shown for the soul as its growth starts to take place. Growth can seldom be forced in nature. Whether it is producing a tree or a human personality, nature unfolds it's growth slowly, silently.

~From The Other Side of Silence by Morton T. Kelsey

new van -- new vein

new van

Soon after we got pregnant we realized that we had a vehicle problem. The Mazda protege won't accommodate three children in the back - at least not in today's required carseats. We might have been able to get all three in the back of our Ford F-150 Extended Cab but that would have been both difficult and a tight fit. So we decided it was time to get a family truckster, a grocery getter, a van.
I am loving our new van.
First, it's just fun to have a new vehicle.
Second, it is still relatively clean. That's a big deal for our family. Not sure how long that will last.
Third, it's an automatic. "What's the big deal about having an automatic?" you ask. Well, this is only the second automatic vehicle I have ever owned. I had to learn to drive with a stick shift - that was not easy. For about a year I owned a Cutlass Cruiser (station wagon). It was lovely. I felt like I was floating down the highway. Pete and I sold that just before we got married. Since then it's been all manual transmissions. Do you know how difficult it is to eat an ice cream cone while driving a manual transmission? Aaargh! Well, this new van is a dream. It is so easy and I can do almost all of the driving with just ONE hand - wow! And just the other day I bought an ice cream cone, and I held it in my right hand, and I never once changed hands, and I ate it all without the least inconvenience - it was so sweet!
Fourth, it has an incredible number of cup holders and storage cubbies. I love cup holders and storage cubbies. There's even a hidden cubbie in the door armrest.
Fifth, I can slide in and out of this vehicle easily, even with this giant baby-belly-body.
Sixth, it will be so easy to get the baby in and out of this vehicle. Whew! Sure, they weigh about nothing when they first come out but soon you fear you will tear a muscle carrying that baby-in-carseat to and from anywhere. And getting it in and out of a vehicle can be back breaking.
Seventh, it's dark grey. We decided to get a year end deal by buying a 2005. Our color choices were white and baby blue. But at the last minute he found us a dark grey - wooo hooo!
Yeah, I think that's about it.


new vein

I got some really great varicose veins during my pregnancy with #2. I've added to my collection with this pregnancy. Yesterday, while toweling off after my shower, I found a spot near one of my new veins that was hot and sore. Uh-oh!
I called the nurseline and they, of course, wanted to see me at the hospital to check it out. And yes, I have a clot. It's not deep though, and that's good because we are hoping to treat it "non-agressively". I didn't ask what "aggressive" treatment might look like - yikes! "Non-agressive" currently means lying down 4 times a day and applying a hot compress to the spot, drinking lots of fluids, not crossing my legs or staying seated for too long, and watching for signs that things have gotten worse. The fear is that the clot would go deep and cut off circulation to my leg or would make it's way to my lung - which of course would be bad.

The bit of good news in all of this is that my midwife said that magic word... "induce". I said how great that would be and then asked when. She said week 39. That means I could possibly have this baby out in just 2 weeks!!! Oh Halleluia! Hang in there body-o-mine. I promise never to do this to you again.

Baby blather

I flipped the calendar to November and thought, "Oh my gosh! This is the month the baby comes! I can't believe we're that close."

She is due 3 weeks from tomorrow. 3 WEEKS!!! Every now and then I sort of freak out. Most days I would really like to have her out of my body, NOW! But reality hits when I think about something like writing out my birth plan. I get a shiver down my spine.

Sometimes the reality check is sweet, like when I try to picture what sweet-baby-girl will look like, smell like, feel like. We are so close to meeting her and there is nothing like that first introduction - pure glory!

Other times the reality check is a slow dawning.
I went completely drug free with #1's labor and delivery. (please insert amazed oohs and aaahs - whatever.) All the right elements were present: a supportive husband, a supportive midwife (John is the best!), a rested body, and a very motivated me. I rode the waves of pain like a surfer. Sure I got wet but I was able to stay just above the waves. All in all the labor was a relatively normal 24 hours and I only pushed for 30 minutes - pretty sweet all things considered.

The elements weren't quite so right with #2. We weren't rested - the hardest part of labor happened late at night. My midwife wasn't emotionally supportive, very clinical, which I think is so strange for a midwife to be clinical. anyway. The waves were on top of me. I couldn't get up. Crash! Crash! Crash! So I asked for drugs. I got an intrathecal, a shot of morphine to the spine. It's similar to an epidural but not so numbing. I could get up and walk if I wanted to. It tickled and tingled like when a limb falls asleep. It was a dream! The midwife asked, "what do you want to do now?" Jokingly I said, "Take a nap." She said, "O.K." "What!? Really? Sweet!" So we did. We took a nap for about 45 minutes. I woke knowing it was time to push. It was hell trying to wake Pete - he was out! We got the midwife and nurse in there and that baby was out in ten minutes. Ouch!
Afterwards I thought, "Why in the heck did I not take drugs with #1? Drugs rock!"
So I've been planning on having drugs with this baby. But here's the slow dawning... You don't get drugs with the first real contraction. You don't even go to the hospital until the contractions are coming every 5 minutes, and you can't talk or walk through one. Duh! It's like I'd thought I was going to get out of ALL of the pain - silly me. Crap! I can't believe I'm about to do this again. Plus, who knows, I may get there too late to have drugs. Third time around but I still don't really know what I'm in for. Oh boy!

Her room looks good. Just a few details to finish. And you just have to see the carseat - it so cute! We didn't want to spend $100 for a pink carseat. So we bought the brand we wanted but it had pooh on it, new pooh. I'm all for vintage pooh but I can't stand new pooh (I know that I just lost most of you there, but hang in there). Anyway, I got some vintage chenille off of ebay and covered the seat cushion and made a new hood. It is the cutest car seat EVER! When I first bring the baby around you'll be wanting to see the girl and I'll be "who cares about the baby! look at the carseat!" just kidding.

Well, this has gone on long enough. Perhaps tomorrow I can bore you with my complaints about how horribly huge and uncomfortable I've become. Thanks for listening to my blather.

Winter

Since my last post about my internal and familial stuggle I have noticed a significant shift within.

After I posted, things detriorated further, painfully so. Something inside me began to shut down. I didn't know what to do with this new thing. Where had my fight gone to? Why was I sensing this new stillness? And how was I to answer the demand to continue activity when my heart so clearly was readying the burrow for winter.

I felt adrift with no words to even name what was happening. Then Jan blogged this poem.

The seed is in the ground.
Now may we rest in hope
While darkness does its work.
~~ Wendell Berry, A Timbered Choir

And then it became much more clear. Winter was here.

Now in my physical life I greatly dislike winter. The length and depth of coldness wear me down. But this internal winter feels like a gift. I know God's gentle leading is here. He is bringing on this season and asking me to acknowledge it's reality and to begin acting accordingly. My heart and mind have been filled with the sweetest images of winter. Warm, fur lined rabbit burrows. Thick, white blankets of snow. Soft smoke curling up from the cottage chimney. Bears with thick piles of fat curling up for the winter. Cozied up families shifting their activities away from the long, busy, harvest to a new time of hearth-side talks and early bedtimes.

In spring we tilled and planted - I began to wonder about the quality of the soil and seeds. In summer we tended and pulled weeds and watered - I began to see more clearly what was growing. In the fall we harvested - I knew a bitter harvest and felt the dying within me as frost came on. But now fall is past. Winter is here. And this winter is full of quiet, stillness, peace. And hope. This is a time of rest. A time of reduced, close-to-home living. This baby is coming soon (we have four weeks left). I feel God's arms coming around us like a big mother bear's. We are all wrapped up in a ball. I feel loved.

Yet, I am mindful of you. You, my beloved blogland commune-ity. You, my spiritual direction family. You, my friends. You are dear to me. You are important to this time. You may be experiencing your own season of winter.

Jan says, "Spring will come and with it the newness of life. Let us not grow weary in our waiting but find ways to nurture what is growing in secret." Sweet, wise Jan, thank you! And thank you blog friends - you help to nurture what is growing in secret.

It's a Norah day

My kids are watching Sesame Street. Norah Jones is on today singing to Elmo about missing the letter of the day, "Y".
"Don't know why "Y" didn't come."
I need some Norah today. I need some soulful crooning.

Howie Day Lyrics

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide