Prayer for the Body

Grace And Peace

Written by Jill Phillips and Andy Gullahorn

All the weary, tired souls full of hunger
Needing something that fills
All the thirsty that heard about living water
Need a way to the well
It’s a strange crowd
But still somehow
The lost have been found
By the One in whose Name we come
Grace and peace to you through our Lord Jesus
Times like these we need that kind of love
To take these things coming in between us
And wash us clean with the body and the blood
Early that night just before he was taken
He broke of the bread
So we could taste that He has died, He is risen
He is coming again
And it’s much more
Than we could ask for
To be made pure
By the One in whose Name we come


"It's a strange crowd" - I love that line. I wish that I could sing this song to you, my beloved family.

Great Power

As I was driving toward home this afternoon I passed a church that has out front one of those message boards. I'm not fond of these message boards but this one had something really profound to proclaim.

The task in front is never as great as the power behind.

Wow! Now I got to thinking... I really need to get me one of these power behinds. I mean, I only have one of these old model, manual behinds. Don't get me wrong, my manual behind is great! -- if by "great" you mean "large". My butt shelf is developing nicely... soon you will be able to set your drink on it, if you happen to be stuck in line behind me, and my behind.

So I might have to visit this church. Sounds like they really have something going here. I'm so glad they advertised it on their sign.

"...when she was done, she said to me, 'You know, my eyes ain't too good at all. I can't see nothing but the general shape of things, so I got to rely on my heart. Why don't you go on and tell me everything about yourself, so as I can see you with my heart.'"
--From Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo

With sweet thoughts to all of you...
but especially to Jan and Heather B. because I know that you read this book and loved it,
to Christy for her blogging-blindness and her heart-sight,
to Jesse for loving story and reminding me that it's been too long since I've dipped my heart in the stream.

Sweet Sabbath

The following quote is from http://www.odyssey.blogs.com
A Summer Sabbath
Chris Erdman writes: It's time for a summer pause, a Sabbath's rest. My friend Ed tells of his friend, Martin (a Rabbi) who tells us that he practices Sabbath not because it is healthful and not because it is a duty, but because, "When I am old, I want to have come to believe that the world is not my responsibility. I have a role to play, but it is God's action that counts. Sabbath is my way of checking the compulsive and presumptive notion that my work is most important. Sabbath keeps me clear about God and about my role in the world. When I die I want to have gotten that right."

(bold and underline added by me)

That is just the sweetness I feel concerning my family. I have no words for prayer, nor do I believe prayer is what God is calling me to. In my listening I am attempting to follow what God is leading me to... that, for now, is Sabbath.

Confession

Watch out. This blog is what you might call "heavy".
Personal inventories, personality tests. After taking one such test Pete took great delight in finding out that my thought pattern was described as "random and web-like". Hmmm, that explains a lot! Can’t help thinking about that as I try to piece together these small bits of glass and tile. Will you be able to see the mosaic?
How strange and unexpected that in this time of learning boundaries and learning to live honestly from the heart that God would lead me into this time of confession, Sabbath, fasting.
What is the connection?
How can I express to you what is developing?
As I have tried to explain to my sisters some of my "strange-to-them" choices I used the analogy of nation. Our family is a nation with it’s own laws and police enforcement and judges, etc. I explained that I was no longer going to obey the "laws of the land". Instead, I’ve decided to follow a different set of laws. It’s been interesting, disturbing, humbling to watch God continue to develop that theme.
I began this journey stuck in the mud of self pity. "Oh! They are so mean to me!" God seems to be saying, "Go ahead! Take a nice long look at yourself! You have been having an adulterous relationship with your family. You have been prostituting yourself to them in vain hope of getting life. How has that worked out for you? And how ridiculous! You have ME, your true husband, your true father, your true source of life. Did you think I would take that sitting down? Did you think I would say, ‘Oh well.’ Is that the kind of God-lover you think I am? I love you enough to destroy your false gods. I am going to smash your old nations, I will remove you from the cities you love. And to be honest, I am really mad at you! I feel betrayed! Turn back to me, my love. Tell me the truth about what you’ve been up to. I know of your fickle heart and that you still long for your old ways, your old lovers. Trust me to teach you how to love me well. I will do it. Because you are mine… and I love you."
"Oh my God! Forgive me. I have followed in the footsteps of my ancestors. I have chosen to try and get life from my relationships with them. I have forsaken your ways, your example and followed both their poor example and my own selfish ways. I know that you are destroying these old ways. I see the sun setting on our family’s old ways - Good bye old ways. The sun is setting on the old ways I did relationship - Good bye old ways. Sometimes this feels like a desert place and I look around at all of the destruction and rubble. But I see now that this place is where the streams of abundance are! Back there, in the "good ole days" that was desert land. I see that now. The way that you’ve exposed my sin feels like a gift. I am ashamed but I am not full of shame. Instead I’m full of gratitude and humility and joy. I receive this exile with gentleness and patience. I receive this Sabbath, this rest with joy and understanding. I wait for you to bring to life in me your life. I confess that my anger has been my way of clinging to these old relationships and ways. Help me to turn from them to you. "

Leviticus 26:27-43 partial, Message
"And if this – even this! -- doesn’t work and you still won’t listen, still defy me, I’ll have had enough and in hot anger will defy you, punishing you for your sins seven times over: … I’ll turn your cities into rubble; I’ll clean out your sanctuaries; I’ll hold my nose at the "pleasing aroma" of your sacrifices… There’ll be nothing left in your land, nothing going on in your cities. With you gone and dispersed in the countries of your enemies, the land, empty of you, will finally get a break and enjoy its Sabbath years. All the time it’s left there empty, the land will get rest, the Sabbaths it never got when you lived there.
"As for those among you still alive, I’ll give them over to fearful timidity – even the rustle of a leaf will throw them into to a panic. They’ll run here and there, back and forth, as if running for their lives even though no one is after them, tripping and falling over one another in total confusion. You won’t stand a chance against an enemy. You’ll perish among the nations; the land of your enemies will eat you up. Any who are left will slowly rot away in the enemy lands. Rot. And all because of their sins, their sins compounded by their ancestors’ sins.
"On the other hand, if they confess their sins and the sins of their ancestors, their treacherous betrayal, the defiance that set off my defiance that sent them off into enemy lands; if by some chance they soften their hard hearts and make amends for their sin…I’ll remember my covenant… And I’ll remember the land.
"The land will be empty of them and enjoy its Sabbaths while they’re gone."

Nehemiah 9:1-2 Message
The People of Israel gathered for a fast, wearing burlap and faces smudged with dirt as signs of repentance. The Israelites broke off all relations with foreigners, stood up and confessed their sins and the iniquities of their parents.

Jeremiah 3:12-14 Message
"’Turn back, fickle Israel.
I’m not just hanging back to punish you.
I’m committed in love to you.
My anger doesn’t seethe nonstop.
Just admit your guilt.
Admit your God-defiance.
Admit to your promiscuous life with casual partners,
pulling strangers into the sex-and-religion groves
While turning a deaf ear to me.’"
GOD’s Decree.
"Come back, wandering children!"
GOD’s Decree.
"I, yes I, and your true husband."

Romans 10:5-10 partial, Message
But trusting God to shape the right living in us is a different story.
The word that saves is right here
as near as the tongue in your mouth,
as close as the heart in your chest.
It’s the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God – "Jesus is my Master" – embracing, body and soul, God’s work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That’s it. You’re not "doing" anything; you’re simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That’s salvation. With your whole being you embrace God settings thins right, and they you say it, right out loud: "God has set everything right between him and me!"

In Better Homes and Gardens I recently read this definition for change: to exchange for something else. Indeed!

I've been angry a lot lately. Really angry. Not that it really shows. No one's asking me, "why are you so angry?"
But the anger makes me tired. I think (but am not certain) that the anger is stemming from unresolved conflicts. Everywhere I look I see them. And I want to resolve them but I don't know what to do. From this chair tonight I do not see how.
The other day I was just walking around the house when I realized, "hey, I'm really mad. I'm mad at mom and friend." (friend shall remain anonymous.) I decided to journal. I was no further than a sentence in when I realized that I was fighting myself to be honest about my anger. So after giving myself permission to let it fly... it did. It really flew. with plenty of nice swear words for added lift.
For a long time the writing was about my mom, but after I'd gotten all of that off my chest I strangely found myself venting simultaneously about my sister and my friend (there's no real world connection here). I kept using they and found that I was feeling so betrayed by their actions and how they were attacking something precious to me.
And all of the sudden... it clicked! It was my actions that created this mess! They were all very happy indeed with the relationships we had. I was the one who needed something different and moved toward it. From their angle it was me that betrayed them, it was me that attacked something precious to them. Suddenly I was on the other side of the river! And for a day I felt o.k. For a day all trace of victim mentality was gone and I felt strong with the power of personal choice.
Since then I see myself cycling (not on a bike). Anger, sadness or something else rises -- I move into it -- something new emerges.
But generally speaking I am still really angry. In my head I say the F word a lot. Sometimes anger masks sadness. Sometimes sadness masks anger. The reality is that I have a whole lot to be angry about -- so right now it is through angry-land I go.

Crazy for Summer

As a couple, Pete and I aren't "spur of the moment" types. But, in the spirit of desiring to actually live life we struck out on two rather unplanned adventures this weekend.

Saturday we left at 2:30 pm for Gooseberry Falls State Park. I have been wanting to show the kids Lake Superior - so even though it was late in the day we packed some sandwiches and drinks and off we went. The drive was tedious but the adventure was great. I dangles my feet in the rushing water while Pete chased the kids over the rocks at the base of middle falls. It amuses me that Pete has to do things he wouldn't choose to do on his own but because he fears for our children's safety he chases after them on their adventure. Sometimes our children help us to loosen up and live. What in the heck happened to us? Why did we give up so many things that make life worth living? "Oh no, we might get wet, or hot, or slip and scrape our shins!!"
After the falls we took the hike down to lake superior. I love gentle hikes. More challenging hikes are welcome too - just not in my current condition - sometimes I get winded standing still. When hiking we usually carry a fanny-pack that has water bottle attachments, but in our spontaneous mode we hadn't thought of that so we were without water and I was getting really thirsty. Just as a cloud of regret began to darken the skyline we came to the end of our trail and behold... a water fountain! What unexpected provision - hurray!
We popped out where the river (don't know the name of it) empties into Lake Superior. It seemed like a protected little bay area. Steep cliffs off to one side, the sun setting behind us in the river valley. Beautiful! The kids began looking for interesting rocks - we stayed and enjoyed it all for a while. On our way back up the trail we saw a deer eating from the river below - completely unafraid.
The drive home was late - we didn't arrive home until nearly midnight. I was struggling to stay awake - to keep Pete company - I wasn't driving thankfully.

Today we left even later, 4 pm to go to William O'Brien State Park - a much shorter drive, only 50 minutes. "We paid for a State Park pass, and by golly we're going to get our money's worth!" No, the real reason is even more ludicrous. I was looking for a lake we could swim in that would allow noodles and floaties and such. The beach at William O'Brien is sandy and well groomed. The water was delightfully warm and shallow, which is great for playing with the kids. Olivia is such a go-getter. She spent the entire time trying out new moves. "Mommy, Daddy watch me do this!" We had to coax Gunnar out of the shallow-shallows into the to-his-chest shallows. After that he was talking about what a big kid he is. We had a wonderful swim.

We took risks. We got hot. We got wet. We saw beautiful things. We breathed sweet air. We ate car sandwiches, dairy queen, and cheetos. We had a wonderful weekend.

Clinging

I can't seem to shake this sadness. There's one part of me that is desperate to do this, shake it. I'm tempted toward anger, revenge, being a victim, despair... anything but simply feeling this sadness. This part of me tends to think of this experience in terms of darkness, cruelty, "the end", hopelessness.
But there's this other piece, thankfully. The blogger from Sleeping with bread left this comment on Jan's site yesterday, ". . . staying the journey . . . trusting that this darkness, this tragic time, is also light unimaginable . . ." I have been clinging to this since reading it yesterday. This part of me knows that this place is very sad but also full of hope, that it feels like death but is full of life, that this place seems dark and scary but is full of light unimaginable.
It's like these two parts are having a tug-of-war within me. I'm tired.
And sad.

I wasn't expecting Dave's sermon on Sunday to hit home. I knew that he would be speaking on "when God is silent". (I can't even say that phrase without saying it in a drawn out, southern baptist preacher style, "when Gooooood is silenttt!") But it came home like a gift, a spot of light in this dark place. I feel God calling me out of the unhealthy attachment that I have with my family. In some ways this "fast" chose me - in the way that my family has given me their "no" and in the way that they have excluded me. But now I'm feeling God call me out of this "poor me" place. Now he seems to be asking me to also choose this fast - for the purpose of loosening my ties with this family and strengthening my ties with him. So we spent some time together yesterday - this was the passage I was led to: "The land will be empty of them and enjoy its Sabbaths while they're gone." Lev 26:43. Very funny! Really helpful for two reasons. #1 - it helps to look at this time apart as an enjoyable rest instead of a stripping away. #2 - it's very interesting to note that the Israelites had not been giving the land it's proper rest, nor have I been giving myself a proper "rest" from these family ways - which is part of the unhealth.

God is present. As close as the air I breath. I chose not to run from this sadness. Yet I also choose to keep my face to the light.

too many fish

So many fishies in the bowl
swimming, swimming
fast in a circle
a small whirlpool is created
but nothing escapes
the bowl
try again tomorrow