As we prayerfully consider what God is leading us to concerning this new community that Jan is proposing please check out Paul Freedland and his community at www.spaceforgod.com
It is delightful to find other travelers along the road.
Peace to you my brothers and sisters!
Monday, August 29, 2005
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Tame this
You give life to everything,
You give life to everything,
You give life to everything.
Blessed be your name!
"I'm never going to ride you am I? And no one ever should."
Indian boy to the horse Spirit in the movie Spirit.
You give life to everything,
You give life to everything.
Blessed be your name!
"I'm never going to ride you am I? And no one ever should."
Indian boy to the horse Spirit in the movie Spirit.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
grief for a friend
I received a packet in the mail today. It was from a college friend who now lives in Arizona.
The packet came to announce the life, birth and death of her baby boy. She was approximately four months along in her pregnancy when labor began. They were unable to stop it, so the baby was born. He lived for an hour.
I am filled with sadness for her.
The packet came to announce the life, birth and death of her baby boy. She was approximately four months along in her pregnancy when labor began. They were unable to stop it, so the baby was born. He lived for an hour.
I am filled with sadness for her.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
holding babies
This morning at around 4:30 AM my two sweet kids were sneaking around whispering. Pete got up to send them back to bed. This type of activity is not usual but they were both excited about the play that they are working up with the neighborhood kids - they wanted to get working!
At 7:30 Gunnar came hopping into bed with me. "Mom, can I sleep with you?" Now usually that means, "Mom, can I wiggle around in your bed until you are completely awake?" But today he fell promptly back to sleep. Lucky boy. I didn't.
In his sleep he did a few jerks and grunts. Baby girl was doing her own morning movement. She started with hiccups, then moved on to other 'cat in a bag' strange movements. Wish I could figure out which parts are which.
It delights me to see my children sleeping. For brief moments they are my babies again.
And suddenly I realized that even though I am tired of being pregnant that this is the only time that I get to fully 'hold' this child. Very soon she will be set spinning, ever more out and away from me.
To everything there is a season. Delight in the moment.
At 7:30 Gunnar came hopping into bed with me. "Mom, can I sleep with you?" Now usually that means, "Mom, can I wiggle around in your bed until you are completely awake?" But today he fell promptly back to sleep. Lucky boy. I didn't.
In his sleep he did a few jerks and grunts. Baby girl was doing her own morning movement. She started with hiccups, then moved on to other 'cat in a bag' strange movements. Wish I could figure out which parts are which.
It delights me to see my children sleeping. For brief moments they are my babies again.
And suddenly I realized that even though I am tired of being pregnant that this is the only time that I get to fully 'hold' this child. Very soon she will be set spinning, ever more out and away from me.
To everything there is a season. Delight in the moment.
Vintage
I was born in the summer of '69. I am a child of the 70s. Being such, I still enjoy music from the 70s. Yesterday I listened to some very vintage Phil Keaggy.
Yesterday also found me working with a quilt with top dating to circa 1880. I found the quilt top on ebay. I sent it with batting (filling) and backing to a machine quilter in Iowa. Yesterday I was working on the binding (finished edge). I adore old quilts, especially those that date 1910 and earlier. Sadly, quilts this old are either expensive or in poor shape. This quilt top had never been used or washed--nice, crisp fabric. Some of the dyes they used during this period were toxic to the fabric and over time cause the fabric to become quite fragile. There are many fragile fabrics on this quilt, one that ripped during quilting. Still, finishing the quilt stabilized it. It was fun examining the 75+ fabrics in my hope of accurately dating the quilt.
It was strange and wonderful to mix my personal history with this quilt's history.
Yesterday also found me working with a quilt with top dating to circa 1880. I found the quilt top on ebay. I sent it with batting (filling) and backing to a machine quilter in Iowa. Yesterday I was working on the binding (finished edge). I adore old quilts, especially those that date 1910 and earlier. Sadly, quilts this old are either expensive or in poor shape. This quilt top had never been used or washed--nice, crisp fabric. Some of the dyes they used during this period were toxic to the fabric and over time cause the fabric to become quite fragile. There are many fragile fabrics on this quilt, one that ripped during quilting. Still, finishing the quilt stabilized it. It was fun examining the 75+ fabrics in my hope of accurately dating the quilt.
It was strange and wonderful to mix my personal history with this quilt's history.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Poustinia
"So many of us feel that the rest of men are looking for him where he cannot be easily found - in the comfortable life which is in itself not sinful, but which can become a sort of asphyxiation and isolation from the rest of mankind. Comfort can become an idol too."
Poustinia
I think that makes me part of "the rest of men". And yes, I know of asphyxiation and isolation. There is much in me that has yet to be set free... or at least has yet to realize it's already free state.
Poustinia
I think that makes me part of "the rest of men". And yes, I know of asphyxiation and isolation. There is much in me that has yet to be set free... or at least has yet to realize it's already free state.
Monday, August 22, 2005
in silence revealed
'Have you understood all these?'
They said, 'Yes.'
And he said, 'Well then,
every scribe who becomes a disciple
of the kingdom of Heaven
is like
a householder
who brings out from his storeroom
new things
as well as old.'
Matt. 13: 51 & 52 New Jerusalem Bible.
They said, 'Yes.'
And he said, 'Well then,
every scribe who becomes a disciple
of the kingdom of Heaven
is like
a householder
who brings out from his storeroom
new things
as well as old.'
Matt. 13: 51 & 52 New Jerusalem Bible.
Friday, August 19, 2005
a few things
1. I've had to change my settings to allow registered users only - can't believe I'm getting blog junkmail.
2. I'm off to my silent retreat this afternoon. I have really been looking forward to this. I'm sure the weekend will go too fast.
3. Thank you to all of you for the comments you've been leaving. Your words and support mean much to me.
Peace to you. God's peace to you.
gloria
2. I'm off to my silent retreat this afternoon. I have really been looking forward to this. I'm sure the weekend will go too fast.
3. Thank you to all of you for the comments you've been leaving. Your words and support mean much to me.
Peace to you. God's peace to you.
gloria
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
A Permanent Trade
I broke my Sabbath rest from my family by calling my folks on Saturday.
It did not go well.
They've read the Boundaries book and think that it is an unbiblical, disrespectful, and misleading document.
They kept asking questions about who is "leading" this, and what does Peter think about this, is my friend H. involved? Mom said that as she has described it to a pastor friend he thought there was a 'stronghold' here. Mom and dad said they have never heard of anything like this ever being done (this being: a person refraining from engaging with their relations for a specified time frame). I got the impression that they think I've joined a cult.
They not only disagree with the choices I have made but claim that I have acted out these choices in the coldest, most unkind possible way.
I felt attacked.
When I (finally) got off the phone I felt the desire, even need, to be present to what is.
I processed with Pete for a while, feeling somewhat confused, numb and heavy. Then Pete said, "You are creating a circumstance where change is possible." We've talked about this concept a lot. It is very connected to both Family Systems Therapy and Liminality, where when we mess with the status quo, disrupt homeostasis, enter into times of uncertainty that it is there that we have the greatest potential to transform. But when Pete said those words to me I didn't engage with them philosophically or intellectually. I broke inside and began to sob. Suddenly I felt hope emerge from the shadows and the heavy weight of this sadness seemed worth it.
The following are excerpts from my journal entry on Aug 15th.
coming present to you means coming present to me.
I guess that's hard because it hurts in here.
I want to blog but I avoid it. So hard to put into words all that's going on in here.
I'm feeling hurt, pain, rejection, disappointment, grief.
Back to this place where anxiety is of no use - the truth is as horrible as imaginable (or nearly so). It is, not will be. I feel adrift, keep trying to find my moorings, keep trying to get concrete.
small niggling worries - that they might gang up and attack me. Right now, I just want them to leave me alone. Stay away from me!
There was always the cushion to fall back upon, "Maybe I wasn't clear. Maybe they didn't understand what I wanted." This time I was clear.
I wish that I didn't care.
I wish that it meant little to me.
On one hand I want to put to death this enmeshment, this ill dependency, to grow up and be an adult. On the other hand I don't want no relationship. I want good relationship.
They want neither of the above. They want the old ways that no longer fit or work for me. Without their cooperation a move toward good relationship is not possible.
However, I do not need their cooperation to grow up, to claim for myself new life, new ays, to move into health. I have God's help and his people's help. I have a new parent and new siblings and...
...I never wanted to replace you.
...and I am sad to say that if this was not so obvious I would be tempted to settle, to take you back as those who might give me value and love and fill my soul.
Sick.
At least part of this pain is the pain of addiction withdrawal -- I want to give up getting my value from you without actually doing so. It's like I'm going to keep shopping at the Gap but try to stop getting my value from my image -- 'yeah, good luck with that Gloria'.
They are actually helping me, by making this separation a clearly needful thing, by rejecting me, by not loving me or the things I am moving toward. This is all gift. Severe mercy. even grace - that I should get life at the cost of their death.
so I release them hoping someday we might 'meet up' on this path, or to follow their own path toward life.
I allow you to get this 'wrong'.
I release you to experiment, take risks, make mistakes, fail me, fail God, fail yourselves, fail each other.
Yes, I release my family to fail me, (oh God, I don't know if I can say it) hate me, mistreat me, misunderstand me, misuse all I have entrusted to them, revile all I hold dear, reject me and the principles I adhere to, make false claims against me, slander me, attempt to control me, use me, abuse me.
I'm really going to need a new Abba. I cling to you my Abba-God.
As it should be.
I don't just 'cling' - as if the danger might pass. Instead I move my allegiance over to you, accept my value and life from you now. A permanent trade.
It did not go well.
They've read the Boundaries book and think that it is an unbiblical, disrespectful, and misleading document.
They kept asking questions about who is "leading" this, and what does Peter think about this, is my friend H. involved? Mom said that as she has described it to a pastor friend he thought there was a 'stronghold' here. Mom and dad said they have never heard of anything like this ever being done (this being: a person refraining from engaging with their relations for a specified time frame). I got the impression that they think I've joined a cult.
They not only disagree with the choices I have made but claim that I have acted out these choices in the coldest, most unkind possible way.
I felt attacked.
When I (finally) got off the phone I felt the desire, even need, to be present to what is.
I processed with Pete for a while, feeling somewhat confused, numb and heavy. Then Pete said, "You are creating a circumstance where change is possible." We've talked about this concept a lot. It is very connected to both Family Systems Therapy and Liminality, where when we mess with the status quo, disrupt homeostasis, enter into times of uncertainty that it is there that we have the greatest potential to transform. But when Pete said those words to me I didn't engage with them philosophically or intellectually. I broke inside and began to sob. Suddenly I felt hope emerge from the shadows and the heavy weight of this sadness seemed worth it.
The following are excerpts from my journal entry on Aug 15th.
coming present to you means coming present to me.
I guess that's hard because it hurts in here.
I want to blog but I avoid it. So hard to put into words all that's going on in here.
I'm feeling hurt, pain, rejection, disappointment, grief.
Back to this place where anxiety is of no use - the truth is as horrible as imaginable (or nearly so). It is, not will be. I feel adrift, keep trying to find my moorings, keep trying to get concrete.
small niggling worries - that they might gang up and attack me. Right now, I just want them to leave me alone. Stay away from me!
There was always the cushion to fall back upon, "Maybe I wasn't clear. Maybe they didn't understand what I wanted." This time I was clear.
I wish that I didn't care.
I wish that it meant little to me.
On one hand I want to put to death this enmeshment, this ill dependency, to grow up and be an adult. On the other hand I don't want no relationship. I want good relationship.
They want neither of the above. They want the old ways that no longer fit or work for me. Without their cooperation a move toward good relationship is not possible.
However, I do not need their cooperation to grow up, to claim for myself new life, new ays, to move into health. I have God's help and his people's help. I have a new parent and new siblings and...
...I never wanted to replace you.
...and I am sad to say that if this was not so obvious I would be tempted to settle, to take you back as those who might give me value and love and fill my soul.
Sick.
At least part of this pain is the pain of addiction withdrawal -- I want to give up getting my value from you without actually doing so. It's like I'm going to keep shopping at the Gap but try to stop getting my value from my image -- 'yeah, good luck with that Gloria'.
They are actually helping me, by making this separation a clearly needful thing, by rejecting me, by not loving me or the things I am moving toward. This is all gift. Severe mercy. even grace - that I should get life at the cost of their death.
so I release them hoping someday we might 'meet up' on this path, or to follow their own path toward life.
I allow you to get this 'wrong'.
I release you to experiment, take risks, make mistakes, fail me, fail God, fail yourselves, fail each other.
Yes, I release my family to fail me, (oh God, I don't know if I can say it) hate me, mistreat me, misunderstand me, misuse all I have entrusted to them, revile all I hold dear, reject me and the principles I adhere to, make false claims against me, slander me, attempt to control me, use me, abuse me.
I'm really going to need a new Abba. I cling to you my Abba-God.
As it should be.
I don't just 'cling' - as if the danger might pass. Instead I move my allegiance over to you, accept my value and life from you now. A permanent trade.
Monday, August 08, 2005
bits of news
news from the yard:
We have a chubby goldfish that we put in the 50 gallon rain barrel for the summer. I was surprised to see it down two whole food pellets that I put in there. I'd always assumed that they needed to get all mushy before fishy could eat them. Fishy usually dives for the bottom whenever I come around but it was cloudy today and I don't think he noticed me. It was fun to watch him for a while.
The astilbe are absolutely scorched.
I'm sick of watering - was so glad to hear the rain last night/this morning/whenever it was.
This is the first year out of 4 that I haven't scorched the hibiscus bush upon setting it out for the summer. I gave it a hard pruning and it is full and loaded with buds - happy day.
The zinnias I planted along the garage 'over' the tulips are so lovely. They came up and bloomed in no time flat. I'm very pleased with them.
The yard is also rather scorched. The greenest parts are crabgrass.
News from the pregnant lady:
I'm horribly sick of being pregnant and still have 3 1/2 months to go. I am most definitely 'enlarged in the waiting'. I'm pretty sure that baby girl is practicing up for marching band because every day she seems to go on parade. There are other discomforts that I do not feel at liberty to share with blog land but I will say that being pregnant at 36 is rather more difficult (physically) than being pregnant at 29 was. Emotionally it seems easier - I'm better at being o.k. with whatever is going on that day and not feeling guilty or mad if it requires a slower pace. Acquaintances from church are noticing my condition, and are very excited for me. Their completely lovely and normal reaction falls on weary ground. I feel reminded of my condition about 600 times a day and usually these reminders are difficult and not exciting. At this point I want to forget that I'm pregnant and talk about something else.
In less crabby moments I find I'm wondering about this 'hidden life' and the wonderful symbol she is for the life of Christ in us: growing, enlarging us and enlarging in us, formed in darkness, separate but so dependent. Did you know that a woman's heart enlarges during pregnancy? (It has to to take care of the much increased amount of blood flowing through her veins.) What a beautiful image of what God does in us when he is growing new life within - he enlarges our hearts.
We have a chubby goldfish that we put in the 50 gallon rain barrel for the summer. I was surprised to see it down two whole food pellets that I put in there. I'd always assumed that they needed to get all mushy before fishy could eat them. Fishy usually dives for the bottom whenever I come around but it was cloudy today and I don't think he noticed me. It was fun to watch him for a while.
The astilbe are absolutely scorched.
I'm sick of watering - was so glad to hear the rain last night/this morning/whenever it was.
This is the first year out of 4 that I haven't scorched the hibiscus bush upon setting it out for the summer. I gave it a hard pruning and it is full and loaded with buds - happy day.
The zinnias I planted along the garage 'over' the tulips are so lovely. They came up and bloomed in no time flat. I'm very pleased with them.
The yard is also rather scorched. The greenest parts are crabgrass.
News from the pregnant lady:
I'm horribly sick of being pregnant and still have 3 1/2 months to go. I am most definitely 'enlarged in the waiting'. I'm pretty sure that baby girl is practicing up for marching band because every day she seems to go on parade. There are other discomforts that I do not feel at liberty to share with blog land but I will say that being pregnant at 36 is rather more difficult (physically) than being pregnant at 29 was. Emotionally it seems easier - I'm better at being o.k. with whatever is going on that day and not feeling guilty or mad if it requires a slower pace. Acquaintances from church are noticing my condition, and are very excited for me. Their completely lovely and normal reaction falls on weary ground. I feel reminded of my condition about 600 times a day and usually these reminders are difficult and not exciting. At this point I want to forget that I'm pregnant and talk about something else.
In less crabby moments I find I'm wondering about this 'hidden life' and the wonderful symbol she is for the life of Christ in us: growing, enlarging us and enlarging in us, formed in darkness, separate but so dependent. Did you know that a woman's heart enlarges during pregnancy? (It has to to take care of the much increased amount of blood flowing through her veins.) What a beautiful image of what God does in us when he is growing new life within - he enlarges our hearts.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Change is hard
I've been feeling stuck lately. Depressed and stuck.
I'm still in this place of shock and anger and disbelief and doubt concerning my relationships with my family.
I can't believe things have turned out this way.
I am saddened and disgusted with what has been revealed as true.
I am angry about the years of 'no's that were never voiced, never respected, never listened to; and how nothing has changed...well, except me. I am finally learning to voice my 'no' - but it's not respected, instead it is actively disrespected.
And I doubt...
am I way off base?
why does it seem like no one else is abandoning their families?
am I crazy?
or just sinful and selfish and hurtful like they claim?
have I gone too far?
what if I'm wrong?
And I worry...
about my kids. I encouraged them to enter into loving relationship with these people and now I am cutting them off from them. Is this damaging them? (Funny thing is that you, God, do the same to me: bringing people into my life and then taking them out and I never know when and I don't often understand your timing. So I have to rest in the hope that providing a healthy mom is more important than saving them from this pain.)
and I worry about losing the respect of people that I admire. I guess that I am afraid that my immaturity shows and you see it and you think less of me for it. That's scary... cuz it might be true. I might be wrong. I know that I lack understanding. I'm guessing that if I was 'further down the path' I would be able to handle this differently, better.
I find that I compare myself to others... a lot!
if God called me here and this is right and good then why didn't he call her here, or him here?
What a dead end! What a ridiculous waste of time! I know that he is calling me to this place. Which is both relieving and terrifying. At times, I would give anything to make every one I know take this journey with me (yeah, I know, talk about bad boundaries). But I am getting closer and closer to being o.k. with the aloneness of this place. Sometimes I am very NOT o.k. with it, but other times it feels possible.
So today, as I journaled out all of my thoughts I was surprised to find that I wasn't grieving. No, I was making my case. And I was spending a lot of time writing about what I don't want. But I desire to spend more time thinking about and moving toward what I want, desire, hope for. Here's what I want:
To work together toward something new.
To have real relationship with each member of my family.
To respect each other's uniqueness, autonomy, power of choice, adulthood, separateness, journey.
To love, respect, and honor each person well.
I want to learn to trust well, from the heart.
Then I wrote this:
"Lord, as I think about what I want I realize that I am still feeling 'bound' to my family. I am also feeling the need to release them so that I can 'get on with' my journey, my desire, what I want, what you are calling me to... I do believe you've called me here. I don't understand it all. I'm sure that I'm failing here and there. I might be wrong. But these are my convictions. Right now, I need to let go of my family so that I can embrace what you are giving me."
Yeah, that's about it.
Whew! I feel unstuck.
I'm still in this place of shock and anger and disbelief and doubt concerning my relationships with my family.
I can't believe things have turned out this way.
I am saddened and disgusted with what has been revealed as true.
I am angry about the years of 'no's that were never voiced, never respected, never listened to; and how nothing has changed...well, except me. I am finally learning to voice my 'no' - but it's not respected, instead it is actively disrespected.
And I doubt...
am I way off base?
why does it seem like no one else is abandoning their families?
am I crazy?
or just sinful and selfish and hurtful like they claim?
have I gone too far?
what if I'm wrong?
And I worry...
about my kids. I encouraged them to enter into loving relationship with these people and now I am cutting them off from them. Is this damaging them? (Funny thing is that you, God, do the same to me: bringing people into my life and then taking them out and I never know when and I don't often understand your timing. So I have to rest in the hope that providing a healthy mom is more important than saving them from this pain.)
and I worry about losing the respect of people that I admire. I guess that I am afraid that my immaturity shows and you see it and you think less of me for it. That's scary... cuz it might be true. I might be wrong. I know that I lack understanding. I'm guessing that if I was 'further down the path' I would be able to handle this differently, better.
I find that I compare myself to others... a lot!
if God called me here and this is right and good then why didn't he call her here, or him here?
What a dead end! What a ridiculous waste of time! I know that he is calling me to this place. Which is both relieving and terrifying. At times, I would give anything to make every one I know take this journey with me (yeah, I know, talk about bad boundaries). But I am getting closer and closer to being o.k. with the aloneness of this place. Sometimes I am very NOT o.k. with it, but other times it feels possible.
So today, as I journaled out all of my thoughts I was surprised to find that I wasn't grieving. No, I was making my case. And I was spending a lot of time writing about what I don't want. But I desire to spend more time thinking about and moving toward what I want, desire, hope for. Here's what I want:
To work together toward something new.
To have real relationship with each member of my family.
To respect each other's uniqueness, autonomy, power of choice, adulthood, separateness, journey.
To love, respect, and honor each person well.
I want to learn to trust well, from the heart.
Then I wrote this:
"Lord, as I think about what I want I realize that I am still feeling 'bound' to my family. I am also feeling the need to release them so that I can 'get on with' my journey, my desire, what I want, what you are calling me to... I do believe you've called me here. I don't understand it all. I'm sure that I'm failing here and there. I might be wrong. But these are my convictions. Right now, I need to let go of my family so that I can embrace what you are giving me."
Yeah, that's about it.
Whew! I feel unstuck.
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