Defensiveness

"Nevertheless, I would advise you against defensiveness on principle. It precludes the best eventualities along with the worst. As the most basic level, it expresses a lack of faith. As I have said, the worst eventualities can have great value as experience. And often enough, when we think we are protecting ourselves, we are struggling against our rescuer. I know this, I have seen the truth of it with my own eyes, though I have not myself always managed to live by it, the Good Lord knows. I truly doubt I would know how to live by it for even a day, or an hour. That is a remarkable thing to consider."

--From Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

bold added by me.

I was feeling depressed the other day, sad about many things. I began to ask God into my grief. As I did so I said, "Here is my grief. It is your own." I'm not sure if those words were mine or if he gave them to me. Immediately I began to wonder about God and his grief. I remember asking him, "Are you grieved today?" And I began to wonder if I feel grief when he is feeling grief - if perhaps joy, sadness, hope, and grief are shared.
I know that God asks me to share my heart with him, in the gladness and in the sadness. But maybe he shares his heart with me as well. Perhaps what I feel isn't mine alone.
My grief was transformed with these thoughts. I felt beautiful in it. I know those words don't add up but they seem to describe it best.
I often fight my grief. Trying somehow to defend myself from it, to rise above, to defeat it. This quote speaks to that wasted effort. It helps me cease my striving. And it humbles me. I see how small my faith is. Yes, it is a remarkable thing to consider.